Starting Daycare.

So Babe started daycare a couple weeks ago. I was really excited to see how it would go. She is usually very social and independent so I initially thought it would be a pretty smooth transition, except for the group napping which I scoffed at and figured would take months for her to master.

Surprisingly it's been a little more difficult on her than I had anticipated. I think she really likes the kids and the teachers but she is having a harder time with the separation from me than I thought she would. She cries and looks genuinely worried and heartbroken when I leave but as a former nanny I know that she is fine a few minutes after I'm gone. And I know it is healthy for her to have time away from Mommy, learn how to interact in a group environment and form bonds with other adults. Still though, it's hard to walk away from her when she seems so upset.


The anxiety of our separation is now spilling over into the rest of the week, to the point where I can no longer shower or pee without her sobbing from abandonnment in the next room. But hopefully this is all part of the transition period and it will pass.

I know she has fun because when I come to get her she is smiling, dirty or covered in paint. She mentions her new friends and teachers throughout the week and plays new games that she has picked up from school.

But the biggest surprise of all is that she napped right from the first day! This is the child that at home needs her crib, blackout curtains, three specific stuffies, white noise and music, a bottle and her star projector. And here she is, napping in a room with a bunch of other kids. I just can't believe it.

I'll write updates as they happen but for now it's been a pretty run of the mill first daycare experience. Lots of ups and downs and a real milestone.

What To Ask A Nanny: Advice From A Nanny.

I worked as a nanny for many different families in the Lower Mainland over the last 10 to 12 years. For a long time I worked on short-term contracts for families that needed temporary care and because of that I met with many, many different families and was on the employee-side of the interview process many, many times. I also sometimes helped families choose a replacement for myself or gave them nanny or general childcare advice.

Because of my history in childcare and this blog, I've recently had many new mommies seek my advice on hiring their first nanny. They've been curious about what questions to ask, what qualifications to look for and what the nanny-family relationship should look like.

So I'm going to post here the information that I have been giving to new moms regarding hiring their first nanny. Please keep in mind these tips are my opinions, from my experience and what I have found to work best. They are general and should be tailored to meet your family's specific needs. Take what you want and leave the rest. Maybe there's something you wouldn't have thought to ask or maybe my tips will flick a switch and you'll think of something even better. 

Good Luck with your search!

Let me start off by saying that a successful nanny-family relationship is one where both parties feel respected and integral in the child’s life. It is important to treat the person you choose for a nanny like family. She is after all basically a hired mother to your children who is taking on a very important role in your absence. The more your nanny feels that her efforts are valued and that she is cared about the more likely it is that she will want to be as diligent and loyal as she can be. And the more likely it is that she will be more flexible with schedule changes or doing extra duties etc.

I was lucky to have very, very few bad experiences and I was usually treated very well. And because my families made me feel like part of the family I often went above and beyond the call of duty for them by performing extra duties (such as cleaning, laundry, etc.) or staying late on short notice – because I wanted to help them out.

That being said it is also important to establish right away that this is YOUR family, YOUR children and that whatever rules, values, techniques you have working in your household are to be followed. I have known parents who have been too casual and friendly in the beginning and it has led to the nanny seeing the relationship as more of a friendship than an employer/employee relationship. This has led to bending rules that the parents have set, forgetting to perform duties that are expected or calling in “sick” too many times.

It’s a really delicate balance that is hard to explain. I say establish that what you say goes and that this is a “job” early on. But then be as kind and generous as you can be because the more wanted the nanny feels the less likely you are to have problems later. Not the least of which is being tempted away by a better offer. After all, there is always someone willing to pay more for childcare and there is a shortage of excellent nannies in the city so you definitely want your nanny to be loyal to your family and not leave you hanging by switching families.

Duties: As far as duties go it is VERY important to establish what you expect right from the start. Some nannies only care for the children and do not do anything else. Others will care for the kids and do kid-related tidying and laundry but won’t cook or clean and other nannies do everything. Ask in the interview what they will or won’t do. Tell them exactly what you are looking for so that they don’t feel tricked later when you spring the laundry on them.

Keep in mind that the more cleaning you expect the less time the nanny is spending with your children. Imagine if you had to vacuum the house, dust, wash dishes, fold laundry and run errands each day. How much quality time would you be spending with your kids? No one can be a fun, energetic nanny that involves the kids in activities and provides stimulating play AND clean the house and prepare dinner. If you want your nanny to be a house cleaner than you need to be OK with your kids sitting in front of the TV.

So decide what it is you need done and make sure that in the interview you make the duties very clear. Then when you pick someone make and post a list of what you want done. Example: 

• Driving child
• Child’s laundry only
• Tidying toys and kitchen
• Walking dog
• Grocery shopping once per week 
• One evening per month for date-night

There were times early on in my nanny career where I didn’t make a list of chores with the family and as the months wore on I was slowly expected to perform more and more duties for no additional pay. No matter how friendly everyone is with each other it’s best to just have in writing all the duties, wages, house rules etc.

Experience: Ask them why they are a nanny? For how long? What do they like most about the job? What do they find the most difficult/challenging? Why did they leave their last position? What age ranges of children have they cared for? Do they have ECE? (Some parents really want a nanny with ECE and others don’t care. I personally don’t have it but I had a lot of experience. It’s a personal choice but usually ECE nannies are paid more and are more likely to be on their way to a position in a school, daycare etc.) 

Rules: Explain your house rules and childrearing techniques and discuss with the potential nanny if she is comfortable with your way of doing things. This is probably the most important thing to agree on. You definitely want someone who is on board with your techniques. Some parents spank and others would never even raise their voice. Consistency is key in establishing boundaries for your children. If they have a naughty chair when Mommy is home but the nanny lets them run amok and won’t use the chair then everyone is wasting their time. Ask them how they disciplined children in the last places they worked and if they found that method to be effective. Obviously little babies aren’t disciplined at all. But if your baby is still little it won’t be long before he/she is a toddler and you should still have an understanding of how a tantrum will be handled in your absence. You don’t want to fall in love with your perfect nanny only to discover a year later that they refuse to discipline your child.

Background: Definitely ask for references!!!!!!! Do not hire anyone who can’t produce good references. Be concerned about anyone whose references are really old (ex: where is the references from the last two years???) Make sure they aren’t just personal references such as family members or other nanny friends. You can ask for a criminal check. The nanny has to go to the police station and get it done and I think it’s $40. But (I assume) a foreign nanny who is here on a visa or something won’t be able to obtain that since they aren’t a citizen. I have worked independently and for agencies and have had to obtain many criminal checks over the years. If you aren’t that concerned about the crim. check than please, please check references thoroughly.

** Note: Sometimes when a nanny leaves a family because of any number of innocent reasons the family is inconvenienced and upset at the nanny’s departure. It wouldn’t be entirely uncommon for an employer to give a bad reference out of spite or anger (after all, this is a very personal relationship and unlike in other businesses people can feel very hurt by their nanny or employer). One family had just hired me and I was shocked to hear my new employer giving a horrible reference on the phone to someone who was calling about her previous nanny. The nanny had been with them for years and as far as I knew hadn’t done anything really wrong when they up and fired her for coming home late with the baby. It’s possible that one bad reference says more about the employer than your nanny candidate. Just follow your gut.

Skills: FIRST AID!!!!!!! Do not hire anyone who doesn’t have it. Check that the certification is still valid and if you know about first aid yourself ask them questions like: What would you do for a burn? How do you perform CPR on an infant? On a 4-year-old? If you find someone that you love but they don’t have it than make it a requirement that they get certified within a certain time-frame. It’s only a one-day class.

Driving: If you want a nanny to drive I would ask them to get a driver’s abstract to show you. It’s been a long time, but I think they have to get it from the driver licence centre. Ask them how long they have been driving, if they have ever been in accidents and how confident they feel in driving the children. Decide if they will be using your car or their own. If it’s their own car then make sure it is a safe vehicle and know that it is common practice to pay an additional car allowance. I think my last employers paid $.25 per km or something. Make sure their insurance is valid and will cover your precious cargo in the event of an accident!!

Questions:

• What do you do in your spare time?
• What makes you a good nanny?
• What activities do you like to do with the kids?Are you comfortable running, jumping, climbing, playing hockey outside etc…
• What are your wage expectations?
• How much vacation time are you expecting? (Keep in mind that if you travel a lot and have a full-time nanny it is expected that you pay the nanny for the time you are away and she is not working. Not many nannies can afford to take four weeks off unpaid just because you can afford it. If you take extra vacations be prepared to pay her salary while you are away. Or else work out an arrangement that suits you both when she is hired.)
• Are you willing to travel? 
• Do you have a valid passport? (Some nannies travel with the family instead of staying at home)
• Are you comfortable nannying while the parents are at home?
• Do you smoke, drink or take drugs?
• Are you comfortable around pets?
• Do you socialize during work hours? (ex: meeting friends at the park, bringing a boyfriend over or talking on the phone. Some families are fine with this and others aren’t. Make your wishes clear.)
• What activities do they do with the children? 
• What do they see a typical day looking like for your child? 
• Do they speak another language?
• How long do you see yourself staying with us? 
• Can you commit to a year? Two?

If the nanny is live-in make sure you cover things like:

• How is the room and board worked out?
• What space is available for the nanny?
• What hours will she be working?
• Who can/can’t visit her during her off hours at home?

Please keep in mind that just because you have a live-in nanny doesn't mean she is on duty 24 hours a day. Off times are time OFF from your kids. Don't get greedy and summon her from the basement bedroom every time someone wets the bed in the middle of the night. Be extra clear on work hours/days so there is no confusion.

Make sure to add any questions that are specific to your family. For example: 

• Will the nanny be working odd hours? 
• Do you have a special needs child? 
• Are you religious or is the nanny? And will that be a conflict at all? 
• Will the nanny be bringing her own child to work? If so is that child and yours going to be compatible?

Have the child(ren) present during the interview, or at least part of it, and observe how the nanny interacts with them. Once you have chosen someone, be at home for the first day or two to ease the transition for baby or child and to observe how things are going. After that, come home early every once in awhile just to see what’s going on. There are of course nanny-cams as well and that is a choice you can make.

Agencies: Finding someone that you can trust with your kids is serious business. It's likely not going to be the first person who responds to your ad on Craigslist. If looking for a nanny is too daunting a task there are agencies that will pre-screen candidates and check their references etc for you. There are good and bad agencies. And they all cost money but they save you the time looking yourself and many will replace someone who doesn’t work out within a certain time frame. Choose an agency carefully. Some say that they check criminal records and driver’s abstracts etc. but never actually do. However some are definitely worth the money especially if you want to rest assured that your selection is qualified or if you don't have hours and hours to devote to the search.

The Fit: Find someone that you feel really comfortable with. This is the person you are trusting with the most important person in your life. Make sure they are happy and respected and that you fully trust them. I recommend sitting down once every couple months to evaluate how things are going. It gives the nanny and you a chance to express concerns or bring up new issues and it keeps everybody on the same page. Also many families like to have a daily journal where the nanny briefly writes down what they did that day, any minor injuries, new foods, discipline issues, additional chores done…it’s a good way to keep the communication going.

And definitely watch your child (or if they are older, ask them how it is going with their new nanny). There is usually a semi-difficult transition period right at the beginning but after that it should be clear if your child isn’t connecting well with the nanny. Start with a probation period so that if after a couple months your child still hasn’t warmed to his/her nanny then you can start looking for someone new without too many hard feelings.