Failing.

I was a better parent before I had a child.

OK that doesn't make sense but in a way it's true. I nannied for years. At my last count I had had a hand in raising over 30 children.

I was a very good nanny. I could juggle multiple kids, usually babies and toddlers, run the errands and keep the house spotless all the while keeping the children engaged in fun activities.

I had the perfect balance of concern and trust. I could spot potential dangers and pitfalls but I avoided them while not inhibiting my little one's freedoms. I encouraged the kids to try new things and explore the world around them and I schlepped them all over the city like a mother duck with her ducklings in tow.

By the end of every shift my kids were well fed, well dressed, well behaved and had had a fun-filled day with just the right balance of kindness and discipline, structure and freedom. And the house was clean.

Today it's past noon and I haven't showered yet. My baby is probably sleeping in a wet diaper right now. Every day I try again to go out and enjoy the day - visit, shop, walk...it always backfires. I'm still trying but I'm dragging a screaming infant along with me and by the time I get home I'm exhausted and cranky - and I've missed my chance to nap.

In the past I would have the kids fed, dressed, out the door and on time to any number of scheduled activities. Now I'm lucky if Baby and I can make it the two blocks to the coffee shop.

I'm also completely paranoid now.

Where once I could calmly and efficiently help a choking toddler I now flail in panic when my daughter coughs on her spit-up.

Where once I was calm and trusting of others I now worry when someone holds her that they won't support her neck or they'll trip and drop her.

I used to consider bumps and bruises a part of an active child's life, but this month I've sought the advice of FIVE health care professionals and a slew of internet sites on the slightest ailments my baby has suffered.

I trained for years to be a mommy. I succeeded every time I tested myself. I reasoned away anxieties and accomplished a lot in my eight hour shifts. But now that I really am a mother I've only managed one blog post in six weeks.

So why was I a better Mommy to other people's babies?

Is the anxiety hormonal? Are mothers hardwired to worry about their babies? I actually thought that I would worry less as a mother because my baby was my own and my mistakes were mine. And was it easier to keep all the balls in the air when I was only a Mommy for eight hours a day?