Square One. Again.

I've always found throwing rocks in the water very therapeutic,  I guess it's genetic.
Or maybe it's just fun.

So readers, I'm sure you've been up nights worrying about where we are and what we are doing :P

Full circle. We are back in Vancouver, ironically at almost the exact same time I had originally planned on returning when I set out for the North.

Everything feels new...again.

We moved from the North to North Van. I've never lived on the North Shore before so that's all new.

We are settling into our new apartment. It's all unpacked, save for a couple boxes that I just can't seem to face. Maybe hauling the last of the cardboard to the recycling makes it all real? Maybe it's just laziness.

I'm back to working out excessively and running. It seems to be my go-to when I'm in transition. I stopped for awhile in Smithers. Again, maybe that was just laziness...or perhaps I just finally felt like I had nothing to run from.

Settled.

Either way, I'm not feeling very settled right now.

Babe is happy as a lark for the most part. She loooooves her new school and her new bedroom and seems basically unscathed by the traumatic whirlwind that tore my private little island apart.

Our new place is great, a good place to sit still.

For any single moms out there starting over...or over again; Find Comfort.

I run. I visit old friends. I pvr'd yoga because I can only do it late at night despite having free yoga right here in my building. I paint my nails in front of cheesy movies about women finding themselves. (I know...eye roll)

I've also got this amazing girl who brings her massage table to your place. It works great for a single mom who has already put the kid to bed and is stressed to the max but chained to the house!

I got back on a horse. I've planned a spa day on the island and I'm pumped to model for a photoshoot on Hornby.

And thank God for my probably exhausted but ever-supportive group of friends. They have spent endless hours over the last weeks listening at nauseam to every tiny detail of my current situation. A special shout out goes to E who despite me falling out of contact when busy never fails me when I come crawling back and J2 who has done more to boost me back up in the last few weeks than I could have ever asked for.

Some days I have a lot of anger, some days it's mostly tears and others I seem to pull strength out of somewhere and take steps forward. It's so strange to go from planning a future with someone to a whole new world. New babysitters, new preschool, new apartment, new plans, new friends, new dates.

I did manage to haul Babe to Calgary in the middle of my fog for my grandfather's (Babe's Grandpa, Grandpa's) funeral. Honestly, I don't even remember much of those few days, or the rush to pack and make arrangements down here. But here we are. Getting into a whole new routine.

Sprinkling my grandparent's ashes on the farm.

Flying back to Smithers.

It's still light out enough in the evenings for me to run along the river. There's one point in the trail where I get hit with a sweet smell so strong it feels like I've passed back into spring. I can't figure out what it is but it is intoxicating and it instantly fills me with an appreciation for the little things which I desperately need right now. I've even stopped and searched, nose-first for what it is. I recognize it but I've never had a great recollection for smells and I can't find where it's coming from - but it's so strong and so pure. I can't pin it down and I can't keep it, but I'm so thankful for it while it's here.

There's another point in the loop where I run along a ledge that's less than a foot across. I really like that part. Its occurred to me that it's only a matter of time before I fall and it'll probably really hurt (relax, it's only three or four feet high). It'll be embarrassing too. But every time I do it I get such a sense of satisfaction from it yet at the same time I worry that it's reckless and in hindsight it will seem quite silly when I fall.

But maybe I won't fall. Maybe I'll get faster, maybe I'll find a higher ledge.

I probably will fall though and it'll probably mean a trip to the ER. And I promise I'll post the pics so you can get a giggle out of my foolishness.

But until the fall comes, it's like that sweet smell in the forest...I just can't get enough.

Kinda like love I guess.