When you have a baby that hates the car, the first and only photo of Babe coming home from the hospital looks like this:
When you have a baby that hates the car, they soon learn how to arch their backs so that you can't buckle them into their car seat and then everyone watches you and tries not to laugh. And it looks like your child is throwing a temper tantrum but really they're just a little baby and don't know how to be naughty yet. But then you realize that your baby is so advanced that they already know how to be a jerk. Lucky you.
When you have a baby that hates the car you get to play taxi all the time. You drive and your partner sits in the backseat like Grandma. The person in the back has the very important task of keeping the baby from screaming so that the taxi driver doesn't veer off the road...or into a tree. This may happen by accident because of the inability to concentrate or on purpose just to make the noise stop.
Keeping the baby quiet means doing WHATEVER it takes:
- Make a favorite sound over and over until you think you may grow cysts in your throat.
- Pull the string on a toy until the fucking thing breaks and you have to detour to the nearest Toys R' Us before the baby explodes in rage.
- Morph into a white noise machine and keep the sound up until you run out of air. Then take a deep breath (at which point the baby will start screaming again) and start the sound all over.
- If you're the mommy take off your seat belt (risking your own safety), kneel on the seat and stretch your boob into the car set. Watch for sudden stops because you'll be launched into the front seat - boobies flailing.
- Play 'Don't Worry Be Happy' over and over on the stereo. Sing along at the top of your lungs like a jackass.
- Understand that taking the baby out of the car and then putting them right back in is the worst thing you can do. Their anger will double. For this reason stopping for lunch is a no go. Your meals now consist solely of foods that can be purchased from drive-thru windows (and only drive-thrus which have no line-ups). This may mean that you gain a lot of weight but sacrifices must be made.
- Plan your route ahead of time to avoid as many stop signs, street lights and construction zones as possible. This will shave valuable seconds off the trip. Use alleyways, sidewalks and bus lanes to achieve this.
- If you get stuck in traffic your life is over. NEVER let this happen.
When you have a baby that hates the car and you're driving without your partner get to where you're going as fast as you can. This often means speeding, which is inappropriate because you have a baby in the car.
- Plan your trip with an arsenal of distractions at your fingertips. Cover the passenger seat with any toys, noise-makers and Cd's that at one time have calmed the baby for even 15 seconds. Rotate accordingly.
- Dislocate your shoulder and reach behind you to rub Babe's head or shake a toy. Try your very best to stay in your lane like a vigilant parent would.
- Curse everyone who gets in your way: Anyone who takes an extra two seconds to complete a turn, anyone who doesn't jump off the line like a dragster when the light turns green, anyone who doesn't run the yellow, is your worst enemy right now. Don't they understand how horrible and all-consuming the screaming, car-hating baby is? Don't they know how desperate you are to get this kid home?
- Change lanes every 30 seconds because it'll be faster if you can just get around this one asshole who knows how bad it is in your car and is driving the exact speed limit just to make you suffer!
- Sing beautifully to your baby to try to calm them while you flip off everyone in your way.
Now I realize that the Baby On Board stickers aren't for safety. They're to let other drivers know why you're driving so badly and road raging on everyone else!
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