Judge Not.

I don't have a picture of me being judgemental so here is a picture of me and Babe.

I've noticed something interesting lately. Something about myself and something about the Mommy Club. There's a lot less judgement than I thought there would be.

When I was pregnant I tried to picture the new people I would meet and the people I would be friends with. I admit I didn't think that I would fit in with other Vancouver moms. This was partly because of how standoffish people in Vancouver can be, but mostly it was because of my personal situation. I thought that most of the new moms I would meet would be happily married and had intentionally started a family. J and I aren't married and probably never will be. And while I'm so happy to have Babe she was not the product of "trying for a baby".

During my pregnancy when we still lived in our apartment in Vancouver I watched as couples our age bought and moved into the new townhouses behind us. I saw their fancy strollers on their glass patios and wondered where I would fit in. I thought that the moms I would meet would all be of this variety. Property owners, not renters like us. They'd have their new condos and having started their careers ten years ago would now be coasting on great maternity benefits. Their husbands would all be working long hours in the hopes of making partner at their law firm.

I couldn't imagine having much in common with them. Or them wanting to befriend me. Despite having years of experience with babies and children I thought these other moms wouldn't see what I had to offer.

I would be the mom who had just transitioned from student to mommy. Who instead of launching her new career had to return to her old job and work her pregnant butt off to accumulate enough hours for EI maternity. Who was seeing a counsellor to ensure I kept my head above water and whose relationship fit neither the married nor happy category.

After Babe was born and I started to venture out I met lots of new moms at events and groups and I made a lot of snap judgements. I sized them up, expecting that they were doing the same to me. I watched them. I took cues from their clothes, their baby gear, their cars and their mannerisms. I thought I had them figured out. They all seemed so together.

But then I started listening to them and they started to listen to me and it turns out there's way less judgement among new moms than I thought there would be. It's not a competitive sport like work or school is. Instead of trying to get a leg up or shoulder someone out of the race everyone seems to be supporting each other. Maybe this part of life is so damn tough that we lay down our arms and all the tactics we use to assert our independence and finally reach out.

And none of us are so together. The ones I thought were rich, aren't. The ones I thought were happy, cried. And the ones I pegged as probable bitches lent me a hand. I have consistently been surprised by how helpful everyone is. When one mom does something one way and another mom does it a different way they don't each try to prove theirs is the right way. "Hey whatever works," seems to be the standard response.

There's a lot of sharing of information. A lot of helpful hints. A lot of offers of help and a lot of social gathering.

It's not just the moms either.

I'm so frazzled much of the time that when I'm out in public I just need people to get the F out of my way. But so many times someone who I thought was going to give me a hard time was surprisingly helpful or managed to provide a moment of sweet relief.

One rainy evening I was rushing to the supermarket to get food for dinner. I was exhausted and Babe had screamed all the way to the store. I was carrying her through the parking lot towards the line of shopping carts and there was a woman who was standing there with her cart. It was dark and pouring rain and I was hurrying. In my head I was already cursing her for being in my way because I could tell that she wasn't going to move. But as I approached she not only moved to let me get under cover, she gave me her shopping cart (which you have to pay for with a quarter) and then stood in the wet cold looking though her purse for a new coin for herself.

I almost cried with gratitude and I felt so foolish for having assumed she would be in my way.

Everyone has been so much nicer and so much more accepting than I would have expected. I've met so many different moms and they all have a different story but there are similarities too; rich or poor, happy or sad, married or single they're all doing the best they can and they all seem to recognize that in each other.

I'm so relieved to be letting my guard down.

PS: I'm not losing my sarcastic outlook...I promise.