The Trap.

"Breastfeeding is a trap!"

I yelled this at J on a particularly frustrating day last week. Of course it's not really a trap but it feels like it sometimes.

I've made no secret about Babe's fussiness these first two months. Like I've said before she has terrible gas that causes her to writhe in pain and scream bloody murder. It's painful for her and I'm certain it's even more painful to watch. She also has reflux, not bad, but enough to upset her regularly. And as if the gas and reflux wasn't bad enough, she also works herself into such a frenzy that she gags, chokes and actually stops breathing. While this only lasts a few seconds it's terrifying every time.

So on the quest to solve these problems - or at least decrease their intensity, we've tried a ton of things (which I mentioned a little in a previous post).

In December Babe had an appointment with a pediatrician to address these issues. He said that the problem was reflux and prescribed her Ranitidine. I asked about the possibility that she has an intolerance for dairy (which has been mentioned to me by many people as a possible source of her discontent) and was told that it was unlikely given her other symptoms.

I had been putting off going dairy free because it's in so much of what I eat so that afternoon I had a big bowl of ice cream.

Fuck! I paid for that one and so did Babe. That evening was the worst EVER! I couldn't handle another night like that and I woke up the next morning to face my life (or at least a trial week of it) dairy free.

So last week when I yelled at J about feeling trapped I was on day two of no dairy. No milk in my decaf coffee, no ice cream on my brownie, no pizza, no cereal etc... and on month two of not being able to leave my baby's side for fear that she will be so upset by the absence of the boobies that she will choke and turn blue. This on top of all the other things I gave up when I got pregnant (ex: smokes and booze). Not that I was ever much of a party girl but I did like a glass of red wine in the evening or the occasional night at the pub with my friends.

Now my riskiest behaviour is leaving the house without nursing pads in my bra.

And I always get the fussy baby because when she is happy J, my parents and everyone else want to cuddle her but when she starts to scream she is thrust back into my arms with the assumption that she needs my boobs (which is really only true once every couple of hours). And I always get up with her in the night because of the boobies.

This is, of course, the way it should be. I'm her Mommy and I love that I can comfort her. But on hour three of a crying jag when she has already eaten and J could just as easily pace the floor with her, the comfort my boobies provide her forces me to be the one that suffers the hearing damage.

Then there's the fidgety nursing bras, the piles of nursing pads, the vitamins, the pumping and the bonus that one boob produces waaaaay more milk than the other. I can't leave the house until the afternoon because in the mornings I have one B cup and one D cup.

It is really important to me that Babe gets breast milk. That is why I cried so much the first week when we had to supplement with formula - well, that and the hormones. Not only is it so good for the baby it has it's other perks as well, not the least of which is that it's free and portable.

And the closeness is beautiful. I know it'll get easier and that I shouldn't complain. But no one tells you how hard it can be. Before baby is born you just think that he or she will come out and know how to latch and the milk will flow and that will be the one thing that just works.

But some babies can't latch and some mothers get mastitis. Yes, breastfeeding is best - but to me, once in awhile, it has felt like a trap.

I think it is important for mothers to know that just because it is natural doesn't mean it's easy. Just because you are committed to it doesn't mean you don't feel like quitting. And just because it's good for the baby doesn't mean you have to do it.

I dedicate this post to my good friend K and all of the new mommies who have fought with their boobies in the first few months of nursing.

PS: I don't think the no dairy or the medication has made any difference.