Square One. Again.

I've always found throwing rocks in the water very therapeutic,  I guess it's genetic.
Or maybe it's just fun.

So readers, I'm sure you've been up nights worrying about where we are and what we are doing :P

Full circle. We are back in Vancouver, ironically at almost the exact same time I had originally planned on returning when I set out for the North.

Everything feels new...again.

We moved from the North to North Van. I've never lived on the North Shore before so that's all new.

We are settling into our new apartment. It's all unpacked, save for a couple boxes that I just can't seem to face. Maybe hauling the last of the cardboard to the recycling makes it all real? Maybe it's just laziness.

I'm back to working out excessively and running. It seems to be my go-to when I'm in transition. I stopped for awhile in Smithers. Again, maybe that was just laziness...or perhaps I just finally felt like I had nothing to run from.

Settled.

Either way, I'm not feeling very settled right now.

Babe is happy as a lark for the most part. She loooooves her new school and her new bedroom and seems basically unscathed by the traumatic whirlwind that tore my private little island apart.

Our new place is great, a good place to sit still.

For any single moms out there starting over...or over again; Find Comfort.

I run. I visit old friends. I pvr'd yoga because I can only do it late at night despite having free yoga right here in my building. I paint my nails in front of cheesy movies about women finding themselves. (I know...eye roll)

I've also got this amazing girl who brings her massage table to your place. It works great for a single mom who has already put the kid to bed and is stressed to the max but chained to the house!

I got back on a horse. I've planned a spa day on the island and I'm pumped to model for a photoshoot on Hornby.

And thank God for my probably exhausted but ever-supportive group of friends. They have spent endless hours over the last weeks listening at nauseam to every tiny detail of my current situation. A special shout out goes to E who despite me falling out of contact when busy never fails me when I come crawling back and J2 who has done more to boost me back up in the last few weeks than I could have ever asked for.

Some days I have a lot of anger, some days it's mostly tears and others I seem to pull strength out of somewhere and take steps forward. It's so strange to go from planning a future with someone to a whole new world. New babysitters, new preschool, new apartment, new plans, new friends, new dates.

I did manage to haul Babe to Calgary in the middle of my fog for my grandfather's (Babe's Grandpa, Grandpa's) funeral. Honestly, I don't even remember much of those few days, or the rush to pack and make arrangements down here. But here we are. Getting into a whole new routine.

Sprinkling my grandparent's ashes on the farm.

Flying back to Smithers.

It's still light out enough in the evenings for me to run along the river. There's one point in the trail where I get hit with a sweet smell so strong it feels like I've passed back into spring. I can't figure out what it is but it is intoxicating and it instantly fills me with an appreciation for the little things which I desperately need right now. I've even stopped and searched, nose-first for what it is. I recognize it but I've never had a great recollection for smells and I can't find where it's coming from - but it's so strong and so pure. I can't pin it down and I can't keep it, but I'm so thankful for it while it's here.

There's another point in the loop where I run along a ledge that's less than a foot across. I really like that part. Its occurred to me that it's only a matter of time before I fall and it'll probably really hurt (relax, it's only three or four feet high). It'll be embarrassing too. But every time I do it I get such a sense of satisfaction from it yet at the same time I worry that it's reckless and in hindsight it will seem quite silly when I fall.

But maybe I won't fall. Maybe I'll get faster, maybe I'll find a higher ledge.

I probably will fall though and it'll probably mean a trip to the ER. And I promise I'll post the pics so you can get a giggle out of my foolishness.

But until the fall comes, it's like that sweet smell in the forest...I just can't get enough.

Kinda like love I guess.

Review: The Mom Spa.

Hanging out waiting for our appointment.

Yesterday I was in South Surrey killing time before a doctor appointment and I found something wonderful!

It's no secret that I loooove going to the spa. Massages, pedicures, manicures, facials...I love it all. I have been a few times since Babe was born - three times to be exact. But each time I had to arrange for my parents to meet me at the spa to take care of Babe while I was getting a treatment. I've had to keep my cell on in case they called and I've had to be prepared to walk out halfway through my appointment in case she really needed to nurse.

But The Mom Spa is great. I was so intrigued by the name when I drove past it that I had to pull over and check it out. And once I checked it out I had to book a quickie pedicure to test it out.

It's beautifully decorated and perfectly peaceful inside. An oversized crystal chandelier greets you in the lobby and everything is pretty, fresh and calming. But there is something special about The Mom Spa that really does make it perfect for moms.

On site they have this amazing playroom for kids. There's a table and chairs, a TV and DVD player, lots of toys and books, foamy floor mats, a great big train table and more. The kids have their own bathroom with pint-sized fixtures and there is a special gated off area for little babies to nap in a playpen or sit in a baby swing. There is also a place to heat bottles and a comfy chair for nursing. And best of all, the playroom comes equipped with free child minders!

This was only the second time I have ever left Babe with someone other than my parents and probably the only time I would entrust her to a stranger. But the kids there seemed so happy and the child-minder so nice that it was easy to leave Babe for a half hour foot pampering.

In truth I was so excited about the concept of free childcare while at the spa that I realized halfway through my appointment I had never bothered to ask about her qualifications. I just left Babe there and headed off to the elegant nail lounge. F.Y.I. if anyone wants to kidnap my child they need only distract me with a spa treatment.

I did talk to the babysitter afterwards but more importantly when I went to retrieve my daughter she was happily curled up in the woman's lap. And before I left her I was assured that if she got too upset they would bring her to me while I had my pedicure.

Not only is the playroom great but they have a children's hair salon on site as well. Complete with the cute little car and airplane seats. And the spa swag in the lobby includes adorable baby items.

If you're in the mood for some pampering but unable to arrange chid care, or you just want to stop in for a little upkeep while running errands and have the kids with you this is the perfect place. Or if you want to get a bunch of your mommy friends together for a private party they do that too. They take kids and babies of all ages and the spa prices are comparable to other places in Vancouver.

I love my sparkly toes!

Because it's a spa I didn't take many pics but you can check out the website here. Or: 

The Mom Spa on Facebook.

The kid's hair salon. Whimsicuts.

The Trip To The Tulips.

So I decided to head south of the border with my parents to go and see the tulip fields in La Conner, Washington. We planned to go on the Easter long weekend because my mom had extra days off of work and the weather was finally supposed to be nice. The plan was to see the flowers, shop at the outlets for a bit and maybe pick up a jogging stroller.

Here are some photos of our overnight in Washington state.

The drive down was pretty good. Babe was a little fussy off and on but she did fairly well considering she was in the car for over an hour. It was a lot of extra work for me to sit in the back and entertain her the whole time but again, it wasn't a really long drive.

I was really excited to see the tulip fields but alas, when we got to our destination there were no tulips to be seen. Boo. I remember asking my dad to call ahead and make sure they were blooming before we came...but I guess that didn't happen. I could have sworn he said he had checked - hmmmmmm. Anyway it was disappointing since it was the main reason we came.

There were however a few daffodil fields in bloom which were very pretty. But I got bored of yellow after awhile. I was really hoping that the tulips would bloom overnight but they didn't.

My dad had reserved us a two-bedroom suite in a local hotel, the La Conner Channel Lodge so that we wouldn't have to do all the driving with Babe in one day. It was great to be able to stay over because after a few hours in town Babe was getting pretty fussy and turning around and driving home would have sucked.

The hotel was really cute. Built right on the channel you can watch boats pass all day and hear frogs and crickets at night. This was the view from our room:

Unfortunately the two-bedroom suite wasn't exactly what we had in mind. The main room had a beautiful king-sized bed in it - perfect for my parents. But...the second bedroom didn't exactly suit Babe and I. I had decided against bringing her bassinet all the way there for one night and I planned on just letting her sleep in the big hotel bed with me. But when I walked into the second bedroom it was clear that wasn't going to work so well. The second bedroom with its pint-sized ship bunks was clearly intended for children.

Thank goodness I'm fairly short because I was still able to fit. Babe couldn't sleep in the other bunk because I wouldn't be able to roll over and feed her in the night. So we pulled the comforter off the other bed and grabbed a bunch of extra towels and Babe's blankets and made a padded area for Babe on the wooden edge of my bed against the wall. Don't worry - no part of my child touched the questionably clean hotel bedspread, it was only used for padding. I don't trust those things.

The rest of the room was perfect though, nice big bathroom, jacuzzi tub, cute porch and a fireplace.

We did a little shopping around La Conner that day. I bought one of these cool light bulbs at an antique lighting store (the bulbs aren't antiques) and we took photos of Babe in funny places. We finished the day with a great dinner at the La Conner Seafood and Prime Rib House. I had the macadamia nut encrusted halibut and vanilla creme brulee for desert. It was yummy.

The next morning I had a massage that my dad had generously booked for me. I think it was just his sneaky way of getting more time alone with the baby but it was super relaxing anyway, and since it was in house all I had to do was walk downstairs.

We then headed to the tulip gardens nearby just so we could say we had seen some of the elusive flowers. Here's the little outdoor field that was planted outside Tulip Town. It wasn't the same as the real thing but it gave me an idea of how the area would look once the fields bloomed. There was still a lot of green - even at the gardens.

After Tulip Town we stopped at the RoozenGaarde so my dad could order bulbs for the fall and we could have lunch. It was so sunny and warm that my little winter baby finally had a chance to take off her socks and explore the grass, another first.

After that we raced to the outlets so us girls could shop for an hour while my dad napped in the car and then raced back across the border before traffic got too backed up.

Just a quick little overnighter with Babe. Hopefully the next time Babe and I cross the border it'll be to visit my friend K in Washington, D.C. or to take Babe for a sleepover at my friend R's summer getaway.

A Blocked Booby.

OK. So I'm going to skip the post about our trip to La Conner and instead write about my recent trip to the ER. I'll post about the other trip next time.

So I've been struggling to get Babe into some sort of regular sleeping pattern. Currently she needs to nurse to fall asleep and then again (just for a minute) every time she wakes - which is about every half an hour throughout the night! And naps seem to be completely unpredictable. In an attempt to wean her from using the booby as a comfort tool I started nursing her before bed and then just trying to cuddle her to sleep. Then I rub her tummy when she would wake and only feed her twice. It was working until we went away on our trip. We were in a different room, a different bed and we were with the grandparents so the bedtime routine and the non-nursing plan went out the window.

I started again when we got home and she was just learning to fall asleep on her own when...my booby broke. The good one (I've since given up on the runt as it is slowly dying no matter what I do). Ever since the runt died I've been worried that something might happen to the good boob.

On the day it happened I was unsuccessfully trying to get Babe down for a nap at her new scheduled time, without the boob. It wasn't working and this time, because I was so tired myself, I did something I know from my experience as a nanny you should NEVER do in any discipline scenario - I gave in. I caved and said "F**k it," and I let her skip her nap. I gave her to J, which is a new treat now that he is done school and not yet working, and I went down for a nap myself.

When I awoke an hour later something was wrong. My breast felt really, really full and a little sore. I figured I just needed to nurse Babe and went to it. But Babe got frustrated quickly and I realized that no milk was coming out. After repeated attempts to nurse failed I tried pumping. Also a no go.

Now I was starting to panic because Babe won't drink from a bottle and of course it's not like I could just give her the other breast - damn you runt boob!

So I jumped in the shower and massaged the breast in the hot water, then tried again to pump and nurse. Nothing.

Envisioning the horrific freak-out Babe was sure to have when she realized that her precious booby was dead I raced off to the ER in desperation.

Like usual the ER was a zoo but I did get seen quite quickly, probably because the very lop-sidedness of my chest combined with the look of pain and irritation on my face was making everyone else in the waiting room uncomfortable. I guess there is something about a woman with one boob the size of a volleyball and one the size of a pancake that is more terrifying than a severed digit.

I think that doctors presume that a woman who has recently given birth has absolutely no shame or dignity left and are therefore perfect learning tools for medical students. I was seen by a couple of them before the "real doctor" finally came in. My personal favorite was the kid who took my medical history and asked me if the cesarean I had "was for the baby"?

This kid doesn't know a cesarean from an appendectomy and I'm supposed to entrust him with the great responsibility of ensuring my tit doesn't explode?! I think he could tell by the look on my face that it was time to get his supervisor.

I waited for another hour before a nurse found me in my room and realized that I had not been discharged as was written on my chart or whatever. No wonder no one was coming. And after a lot of confusion on the part of the male doctors (who by the way were all young and not at all skilled at hiding their disgust at the sight of my deformed breast) it was finally decided that a female OB should come to see me. So they called her and then promptly forgot about me again. I waited a couple more hours before the OB was able to sneak away from delivering babies and come help me out.

By this point my breast was very big, very sore and very lumpy. I could hardly move my arm because of the pain and I was feeling quite sorry for myself. I was also feeling lonely because of course J was at home with Babe and I was worried about her too. (She ended up drinking frozen breastmilk from a cup that night.)

When the doctor arrived (with another med student in tow) she said something that chilled me to my very core. She determined that she needed to get a breast pump and on her way out of the room she paused at the curtain and said, "I warn you, there is no pleasant way to fix this". Awesome.

Bless her soul she spent an hour rotating warm compresses, painful massage and pumping. I was offered morphine but when I heard that it would be administered through an IV that was the end of the pain management discussion. So I just closed my eyes and tried not to envision a giant zit popping, which I was assured would not be the case.

Only a little milk came out and after an hour the doctor had to go back to the maternity ward. So I was sent home with antibiotics and instructions to pump every hour or so.

After a lot of painful massage, pumping and compresses with a heating pad Babe actually broke the seal at her four am feed. She wasn't getting anything and then all of a sudden...she was choking on the milk it was coming out so fast! What a relief.

Now it's been a few days and I'm still pretty sore but at least the milk is flowing again and my right breast has reclaimed its title as "the good boob".

Thanks to my medical-field-friends S and L who gave me lots of advice and support. In fact L sent me some very helpful links on Mastitis and blocked ducts which I'll pass on below:

http://kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mother/mastitis/

http://www.breastfeedinginc.ca/content.php?pagename=doc-BD-M

Drugs and Lactation Database (LactMed) - "A peer-reviewed and fully referenced database of drugs to which breastfeeding mothers may be exposed. Among the data included are maternal and infant levels of drugs, possible effects on breastfed infants and on lactation, and alternate drugs to consider."

And just a note for any moms who might have the misfortune of getting blocked ducts or mastitis in the future:

A lot of people have told me about using cold cabbage leaves to relieve the pain. You place the big leaves over your breast like a bra. I've heard it works well, but the OB at the hospital told me that cabbage can actually dry up your milk supply and a better solution is to use refrigerated, grated potatoes. They give the same relieving effect but without the risk to the milk.