Ear Tubes for Toddlers.

So here's a post for any parents who are thinking about or waiting for their child to get tubes put in their ears - or a myringotomy.

Babe likely had some ear troubles as a baby and I just never figured it out. She was certainly fussy enough for it.

But when we moved up north (before Babe had turned two) and she started daycare she of course was launched into an endless barrage of classroom-caught illnesses. And when that happened the ear infections started.

One after another. After another.

That first fall/winter she had about six ear infections with not much down time in between and the emergency doctors told me at that point I might need to consider getting tubes put in her ears.

Then summer/spring came and the colds went away and so did the ear issues.

But we moved back to Vancouver, fall came around and she started preschool again and of course the ear problems returned. This time however it was clear that not only was she getting frequent painful ear infections, she also wasn't hearing well even when she was healthy.

Babe has always been super verbal but I began to notice that she was often mispronouncing new words. On top of that she just always seemed cranky, fussy...actually, down-right bitchy. I started to notice that if I called to her from another room she usually couldn't find me by following my voice. And I started to notice that she said "What?" A LOT and often only understood me when I spoke very slow and clear or when she was looking right at my mouth.

Between the constant ear infections which kept her out of school, to her constant irritability, to the risk to her development and safety I decided we really couldn't wait any longer to see if she would just outgrow the problem.

Getting the surgery done isn't easy. It usually takes a long time but I was very focussed on speeding up the process as much as possible for both Babe's sanity and mine (I was literally repeating almost everything four or five times).

The first step was getting Babe an appointment to have her hearing checked. Before this point I still thought maybe I was blowing things out of proportion and she was hearing better than I feared. I made an appointment for her at the North Shore Children's Hearing Clinic (you can refer your children yourself - HERE's THE FORM) and I don't remember how long the wait was but I think it was going to be a good couple months - actually, if I remember correctly I think she would still be waiting. But "squeaky wheel get the grease" and I was feeling desperate so I told them to put us on a cancellation list and we'd come in any time. Eventually they called with an appointment and I think in the end we only had to wait a couple weeks.

She went for the tests which were really simple. The staff were great with her and the tests were designed to be fun for kids. For example she had headphones in and every time she heard a beep she would drop a bite of plastic food into an bucket with a lion's mouth on it. She had a blast and nothing was invasive or painful at all.

When we got the results (at the same appointment) it was clear that Babe was in fact having a lot of trouble hearing.

After that I began asking Babe more direct questions about her hearing and she sometimes would say it sounded like fire in her ears or it was noisy in her head. I got my mom to stand a distance away and whisper things to see at what level it would be before Babe could repeat what was being said. She was definitely not hearing well.

So the next step was taking Babe and the hearing test results to a doctor to get a referral for an ENT. But again when when I called (two different ENT's I believe) I was told the wait lists to see them would be looong as well. And that even when we finally got in the door and were referred for surgery that we would likely have to wait six months to a year to get the tubes done. More discouragement. Not sure if it's true but one doctor's assistant told me the wait list for Children's Hospital would be about a year.

So once again I explained that my daughter was little and not only was she in pain quite often but she wasn't hearing any of the time and it was starting to become a safety concern and affecting her speech development.

The staff were great and they did find a way to squeeze her in within I think less than a week.

At the ENT appointment the doctor met with us, checked Babe's ears, listened to her history and symptoms and discussed with us the risks and benefits of the surgery. And that was it. I said I wanted to get it done as soon as possible and they gave us a surgery date for three weeks later at Lions Gate Hospital. We had the option of waiting until fall since kid's ears usually dry up in the warmer weather but I figured why put it off just to have it start to flare up again and then maybe not be able to get into surgery so quickly.

Her surgery was earlier this week. I was of course nervous about Babe being under anaesthetic but I was looking forward to getting Babe to a place where she felt better and could hear properly.

She wasn't allowed to eat or drink after bedtime the night before but her surgery time was very early the next morning so that wasn't much of an issue.

We had to arrive at the hospital at 6:30 am to check in for the 7:45 am surgery. The admitting staff were all amazing. The lady who got us settled and changed for surgery gave Babe a little teddy bear and a warm blanket. The nurse who came to fill out forms dressed her bear for surgery and made the blood pressure and pulse checks into a game.

We then met the ENT (same office, different ENT) and he went over everything that would happen again. And then the anesthesiologist came in to meet with us and reassure us that everything would be fine.

This was the only hard part: I have spoken to so many people who have taken their children to get tubes put in plus the regular doctors and our ENT and every one of them told me that the parent can stay in the operating room with their child and hold their hand until they are asleep. So right up until the anesthesiologist came in I was still under that impression. But I do remember from my own experiences that sometimes the anesthesiologist has a personal preference for putting someone under which may differ from what the doctor had said would happen. And for some reason I just had a hunch that I wouldn't be able to stay with Babe until she was asleep. Sure enough, the anesthesiologist said he preferred not to have the parent in the room when putting the child under. Because we were having the discussion in front of Babe I didn't want to make her nervous so I calmly agreed with him when really I wanted to argue and demand to be allowed to stay with my baby.

It worked out fine because I had been pumping Babe up for surgery for weeks. Telling her how lucky she was to live in a country where she can be able to have it done and how good she would feel afterwards. In the days before surgery I went over and over with her step by step what would happen and had explained it all right up to the mask going onto her face and her starting to feel sleepy.

When I found out I couldn't go in with her I was especially thankful that I had explained it all to her and made it sound like no big deal because otherwise I think my three-year-old would have been quite shocked to be taken away from me by strangers to a scary operating room.

Here is a video for prepping you child for surgery at Lions Gate Hospital. I didn't really find it helpful for Babe because she is still so little but would be good for an older child.

But I have to say all the surgery staff were great too. In fact, despite not letting me in the room the anesthesiologist was really good with Babe and continued on making the experience fun for her. He even piggy-backed her into surgery!

Then it was just waiting until she was awake. Which was nerve-wracking. But the time apart was only about an hour and most of that was just Babe sleeping it off. I believe the actual surgery was only twenty minutes.

Afterwards the ENT said her ears were so filled with a thick gluey substance that it kept clogging his sucker-thingy (he actually used a medical term for that equipment).



The rest of my notes come from Babe herself, so...you know:

Babe says when she got in the room she watched cartoons and then they put the mask on.

She says the gas smelled like doggy breath (pretty sure that was a description she heard from one of the doctors because we don't have a dog).

She says they put stickers on her arm (she did have stickers on her when I saw her next).

Babe also says the piggy back was fun and she doesn't remember feeling sleepy.

Pretty stoned after just waking up.

The nurse gave her a popsicle but at this point she's still too
high to remember what she is supposed to do with a popsicle.

When she woke up she was groggy and stoned but still seemed to be enjoying all the pampering from the hospital staff (might be a Munchausen Syndrome candidate later on if hospital trips continue to be this much fun).

The only time she cried at all was when the nurse removed the little IV tube in her hand - which they were kind enough to put in after she was asleep.

Take this popsicle and shove it!
Not liking the nurse after she took out the IV.

Has certainly perfected her Victim face.

There has been no dramatic "I can hear!" moment but I think that is because her ears were already starting to clear a little due to the weather. There have been a few times where she has commented that a sound was too loud where she never would have said that before. But she definitely isn't saying "What?" anymore.

She has antibiotic ear drops for the next few days but has felt no pain. In fact she was back to her old self a few hours later and back at preschool the next day.

As a thank-you we made a donation for new equipment to Lions Gate Hospital. And I think we'll take a card over for all the staff and her ENT. If you want to donate to Lions Gate Hospital, CLICK HERE.

Anyway, I hope our story helps if you are waiting to take your child in for a myringotomy or if it is something you are considering.

Now to invest in some good swimming ear plugs!

Happy little patient.

"But I've Told Her A Hundred Times..."

Broken snowglobe

After daycare Babe and I stopped at the grocery store to pick up some things for dinner. Due to a naughty moment in the car she knew a toy was going in the Disappearing Box when we got home so she was her very best Big Girl Helper in the store; trying to rescue her toy from a week of hibernation up high.

We are always rushed at the end of the day - going from work to errands and home to play, make dinner and do the bedtime routine - all before 7:30.

Babe tried her best to carry a bag in from the car - without being asked. But it was too heavy and after a few stumbles in the parkade she let me carry it in.

I try to get her to watch TV while I cook dinner because I know it's not safe for her to be prancing around the hot pots and pans in the kitchen. It never works though because Babe has too much energy to sit for long in front of the TV. And by the end of the day she is just desperate for my attention. So dinner time is usually a juggling act for me. There's no extra set of hands or eyes. No one who can keep her entertained while the other parent gets dinner on.

She took off her jeans because they were uncomfortable. I asked her if she wanted me to get her a pair of cozy pants but I don't think she responded. She was playing on the floor just outside the kitchen and we were chatting as I cooked.

She went to the bathroom on her own and peed on the grown up potty without help which made her proud. That's a new thing since she saw a little friend do it while they were visiting...until recently she's always used her little potty.

When she was done I asked again if she wanted cozy pants. Nothing.

I was still cooking.

I saw her fold up her bathroom stool and take it into her bedroom.

I heard her say she needed it to reach the lightswitch in her bedroom.

She pinched her fingers hard in that stool just the other day so I had a faint flash of concern that it might happen again.

She called to me from the bedroom in her growly frustrated voice because the light wasn't turning on.

It's a wall-mounted light that plugs into a socket which is controlled by the lightswitch at the doorway. But it also has a switch on the cord. Her sound machine is also plugged into the same outlet. So at night when I leave her room after tucking her in I turn the light off at the cord so the lightswitch at the wall doesn't kill the sound machine.

Usually I turn it back on in the morning but I guess I didn't this morning. So Babe couldn't figure out why flicking the lightswitch by the bedroom door wasn't working.

She was calling out, "The batteries are dead."

I put down my spatula and said "No Honey, they aren't". I went into the room and hit the switch on the cord which runs like a seam from the wall light down the wall and behind the dresser to a hidden plug. Then I went around the corner back to my cooking.

Maybe ten seconds passed.

I'm sure one of two things were going through her mind before she forgot my many, many warnings:

Her interest may have been piqued by my coming in and switching the light on at the cord, maybe she was drawn to that switch that she hadn't noticed before.

Or more likely her mind simply wandered back to my question moments before about cozy pants.

But she was still on the little stool at the lightswitch as I walked past her and back to the kitchen.

I've told her a hundred times. Over and over...

I'd only been out of the room for a few seconds.

There was a loud crash. It sounded like she'd broken her whole room in one second. Before I heard her scream I already knew exactly what it was and my stomach had already sunk.

She was screaming as I rounded the corner and into her room. I couldn't get there fast enough.

And there was my little girl buried under her heavy dresser.

She was pinned from her mid section down under the tipped frame, the three drawers and a ton of clothing. There was broken glass and sparkles in the rug from her Las Vegas snow globe.

It only took a second to get her out and into my arms but she cried in heaving sobs in my lap for a couple minutes before I could calm her just enough to really look her over. I knew she wasn't bleeding but in those moments I didn't know if there'd be a broken bone. Honestly, I didn't even care, I was just so thankful she was OK.

That dresser is so heavy. It could have been so much worse.

I had her furniture braced to the wall in our old place. I've been reminding myself over and over and over to get the guy in to do it at this place. There's not much that is tippy here anyway, just a couple of items. It's just one of those things that gets pushed down the list because everything else seems more pressing and I'm doing it all myself.

And I've told her a hundred times to never, ever open more than one drawer at a time or climb up on any furniture. I've explained, slightly graphically, what could happen if she tips heavy furniture over onto herself.

But I nannied for years so I know not to expect a three-year-old to remember any warnings. I guess part of me thought since I regularly reminded her that she would somehow remember in that split second when something catches her attention.

And Babe is usually so careful...

Someone said, "Don't blame yourself. Accidents happen".

But you know what? Ya, it was an accident. It was in the blink of an eye, it was just a stupid mistake. But it is my fault. It was negligent. It's not like I didn't know parents should brace the furniture. I know. I've known for years. I've reminded other parents to do it long before I had Babe. I kept reminding myself to do it since we moved and kept forgetting and reminding myself and forgetting. That little voice inside was telling me to get it done.

For crying out loud I just read another story about a child who was killed this way, like a week ago.

It's amazing how fast things can happen when we are juggling too many things and trusting our babies just a little too much.

Babe is perfectly fine. But when I think of what could've happened I feel sick and the tears come on.

I'm sending all my love to whatever angel was watching over my little one as her attention innocently turned to the dresser in her room.




Please anchor your furniture if your wee ones are exploring now.

Even if they are a bit older and you've told them a hundred times...

Even if they are usually so careful.

Why The Pressure on Anti-Vaxxers is Making This Pro-Vaxxer Sick...And a Review of the Documentary BOUGHT.

I'm going to open with a review of the new documentary Bought so that anyone who doesn't care about my personal feelings on vaccines and anti-vaxxers can simply move on afterwards.  

"Medications, including vaccines are not all bad. But they're not all good. We need to bring up questions. We need to have science and data be the focus and get the money people out of the conversation." - quote from Bought.

Bought attempts to explore the link between increased illness rates and the toxins we are ingesting - mainly vaccines and GMO's in our food.

When I started writing my post below this review I was unaware of Bought and I only just watched it. While I love watching documentaries I take them all with a grain of salt because they often paint a one-sided picture of an important issue.

But I have to admit this one seems more balanced than some of the anti-vax stuff I've seen (if you can get past the opening discussion about the kid who was severely effected by a vaccine).  Of course it is obviously intended to raise concerns about vaccines which will no doubt lead to accusations of it adding to the mass hysteria. Which it probably will.

At any rate knowledge is power and I think parents should watch it anyway. I think it's important to hear the other side of the story even if you don't agree.

Read the credits on who was involved in the making of it. Write down the names of the doctors and experts who are testifying in it. Check the sources and start your own research on the information in this documentary there. I'm going to.

I think it was a poor choice to open with the family whose son suffered devastating effects from a vaccine. We all know the horror stories of the one in a million chance that something immediately goes wrong and I think using that slim-chance shot as an opener will turn off all but the people who need to see this film the least - the already anti-vaxxers. I almost stopped watching after the first few minutes because I was thinking what I think most people would, "Ya, that's really sad but we all know it can happen and it's a one in a million chance. Vaccination is still worth the risk."

But once I got past that part, the rest raises some interesting questions about what we are putting in our bodies - vaccines and food - and doesn't blame the doctors which I found refreshing.

If you live in B.C., think right now about all the calls for cumulative studies on the impacts of the various LNG and Pipeline projects proposed. It makes sense. A study on one proposal will show very different results then if you add up the environmental effects of a bunch of them being built and operating at the same time.

That's sort of the logic they are using in this film. The risks of one set of vaccines may be different then if you consider all of them and toss in the other toxins in our environments.

But if you're sick of the whole vaccine debate you can just fast forward to the halfway mark where they turn to looking at GMO's and how they could be impacting our health.

I found it a slightly more credible "alternative view" film because it's not just about how horrible vaccines might be but also explores another potential contributing factor - all the crap we eat.

Here's the link to Bought. It's not free after March 6th so watch it now, prepare to pay or hope they make it more accessible.


** I'm adding this in a later date because I found no good reviews of Bought when I originally posted this. Anyway, HERE is a review "debunking" a lot of the information and claims in the film. decide for yourself. 


And if you're totally put off by anything related to the Anti-Vaccine movement here's a funny clip for you:



There's also some clips about the tweets he received after this aired which you can find online as well.

But really, it's not funny how vicious people are getting with each other over this when really the issue is just about access to accurate information regardless of who the information validates.


Just trying to keep the discussion light!

Anyway...now my feelings on the current Vaccine Battle:

It's actually not making me physically sick, I just thought that was a catchy title. Sometimes I get annoyed with people who refuse to vaccinate too. But then I remind myself that we are all trying to make the best choices for our children.

So...

There's no way to post about this without pissing people off, especially since I'm not a doctor, scientist or researcher and therefore what I say counts for very little and is simply my opinion.

For the record, Babe is vaccinated.

I shouldn't feel the need to state that right up front but I'm afraid of the backlash I'll receive if people presume from my sympathies for the other side that we are, God forbid, anti-vaxxers. That's my point in a nutshell. I feel the need to stand up and say we are vaccinated...(read: the good guys) - and I shouldn't have to.

As far as I know she's up to date on all of her shots (I'll get to the "as far as I know" part in a second). However I have chosen for us to opt out of all vaccines of the flu shot variety. 

Vaccinating Babe was a choice that I did not make easily. I previously blogged about it HERE. I don't consider myself particularly conservative or hippy-dippy. Rather my beliefs and reasoning for decisions seems to change with the information I have to go on at the time. The reason my choice to vaccinate was so difficult for me had nothing to do with not wanting to see my baby momentarily hurt by the needles. It wasn't because as a new mother my mama-bear hormones were in overdrive. And it wasn't because I was leaning strongly in one direction or another. 

The reason taking her in was so traumatic for me was because I felt I couldn't win either way. 

Like most parents, I wanted Babe to be as protected as she could be from serious harm (read disease) and I knew I'd never forgive myself if she was injured or killed by something I could have made the choice to prevent. But that rationale wasn't enough to ease my fears about the amount and accuracy of reliable information about current vaccines. I really did feel that I was making a choice that could harm her either way. And as I watched her get her first shots I had a horrible, sinking feeling that I could be making a huge mistake. I knew no matter how much research I did on my own, it would never be enough and I would never know the whole truth.

While I believe in vaccination as a concept and its positive contributions to healthy societies I can also see that we have significantly amped up the amounts we are taking. I am not satisfied that from a pure, uninfluenced scientific standpoint we have ruled there is no serious cumulative impact from our heavy vaccine load and especially when combined with other toxins in our modern environment.

Which brings me to:

At this point I have no idea what I have been vaccinated for over the years. There's no database that I can access that will show everything I have received. I have absolutely no medical knowledge on what was in what I got, how it might react with something else I received or will receive in the future and how those vaccines may have disrupted my body's natural processes.

I know I was vaccinated as a baby/toddler for whatever was standard at the time. As I got older I became terrified of needles and my parents let me opt out of in-school vaccination programs with the intention of doing it later at the doctor's office. Sometimes I went, sometimes it got forgotten about. As a young adult I got boosters when it was recommended that I do so but I don't remember for what or by whom. I travelled and therefore received travel vaccines from various clinics and was responsible for the paperwork which is now long lost. I've lived in numerous cities and I have been through three family doctors and a ton of clinic visits. I've definitely had too many Tetanus shots because I can never remember when I had the last one.

And Babe's records aren't perfect either. We moved. She was vaccinated at a couple different places. I know I forgot her vaccination book at least once but don't know if it was filled in later or if the records were always sent to our family doctor. I know I spontaneously got her vaccinated for chicken pox after an outbreak at her first daycare but it's not written down in her vaccine booklet. We moved and I can't remember now if she ever did get her 18 month shots, so now I have to figure that out which is harder to do than you would think if your family hasn't always gone to the same source for your vaccinations.

Record keeping on Canadian vaccination is apparently pretty dim. According to media reports there's no central database and therefore no reliable numbers on how close we are to the herd immunity rate or which parts of the country are experiencing lower rates.

Check out this recent MACLEAN'S article: The Real Vaccine Scandal

Which brings me back to:

If we aren't accurately keeping track of who got how much or what and when, then how are we supposed to have reliable data on what the cumulative impacts might be?

And if vaccination is as important as most of us believe then shouldn't our governments and physicians be making a much bigger push for it - to stop the hysteria? They should be toting out all the research they can and showing us how Big Pharma isn't skewing the results. If they could make a more trustworthy push for it they could better limit the damage being done by the anti-vax movement.

"Misinformation regarding vaccines must be addressed promptly and aggressively. False or misleading information about vaccination is widely dispersed by a few influential individuals, self-described vaccine-safety advocates, and some clinicians. Public health officials and professional organizations should respond swiftly to dishonest or unbalanced portrayals of vaccination." - Douglas Diekema, New England Journal of Medicine

But part of what is getting me annoyed with us pro-vaccinators bullying the anti-vaxxers comes down to one word: Autism.

As a parent, that you could argue has the potential to become an anti-vaxxer, I get that Dr. Andrew Wakefield's research on the link between the MMR vaccine and autism was debunked. I think a lot of parents understand that by now. But of the anti-vaxxers I know, none of them made their decision not to vaccinate based on that one study or on concerns of autism alone. So I'm sick of hearing all us vaccinators push this false study in their face as the reason why anti-vaxxers are morons that refuse to accept the safety of vaccines. 

While the study likely sparked the current swell of fear over vaccination it is not what I believe most parents are now basing their decision to not vaccinate on.

It's more than a fear of Autism:

For me, and I'm guessing many other parents who want real information, the choice of whether or not to vaccinate has simply become overwhelming. For the most part I trust scientists and doctors. I believe in our family doctor and I trust her opinion. I love our doctor. I know she cares about us and I know she wants to keep us healthy. But...

I also believe it's possible that she hasn't been completely informed on all of the risks associated with vaccines. I don't trust Big Pharma (I am embarrassed to be using the term because it immediately conjures up an image of overly-paranoid conspiracy theorists). But NO, I don't believe that companies that stand to gain enormous sums of money from a product should be trusted with relaying completely accurate, unbiased information about their product. If you look at our governments, the manufactures etc. when have they ever been completely honest about what could or is going wrong? 

The majority of us are not educated enough in the matter to ever fully determine the potential links between the pharmaceutical companies (who stand to gain profit) and the scientists, doctors and researchers who are recommending our current vaccine load. And most of the people who say the links are there and that they are producing scary results are the wackjobs that no one takes seriously.

When I was on the fence about vaccines I couldn't find anything that fully convinced me either way. I understand the serious damage these now-preventable illnesses can do. I understand how many of us need to oblige in order to obtain herd immunity. I get that the current available data says the safest choice statistically is to vaccinate. 

However, I also see great benefit in our body's natural defence mechanisms and the dangers of suppressing them, especially at a young age when everything is developing. I've also seen how recommendations by doctors have changed over time as we have gained more information. What may have been prescribed thirty years ago wouldn't be now because serious risks and complications were discovered. Anyone remember Thalidomide?  I do have doubts that the information we are being provided on vaccines is entirely accurate but I can't attribute that to either a conspiracy to hide the evidence or simply that our best minds just don't know for sure yet.

But what I do know is not all anti-vaxxers are way out in left field and the pressure that the rest of us are putting on them to do the right thing is freaking me out.

We are now talking about mandatory vaccination, banning unvaccinated children from schools and parks, fines and jail time for non-complying parents and potential removal of children from their families. For what? For questioning big corporations and our governments? For desiring more information before injecting their babies with something? For standing up and saying they don't feel comfortable with being pressured to make a decision they don't have the whole story on yet?

I want vaccination for our children. I want it to work. I want everyone to have it. I want us to do what we should to protect those who can't. But I also want the ability to choose when and how to use it based on reliable data that hasn't been tampered with by companies that stand to gain financially. I get that for vaccination to work we essentially have to all be on the same page. But I don't think we should be throwing our rights and freedoms away and condemning people who are trying to protect their children as horrible parents who are putting everyone else at risk...although that last part may be somewhat true.

I made the choice to vaccinate Babe. I still believe it was the right choice. But I did choose to delay her vaccine schedule by a few months and space them out and I believe I did the right thing. Would I have felt terrible if she had gotten seriously sick in that time. Of course I would have. I also would have felt terrible if she had passed a horrible illness onto another child. But at the time I knew the risks of her contracting something when she was mostly at home and exclusively breastfed were slim and I felt the risks of injecting her with multiple shots when she was still so tiny and racked with early digestive problems were worse.

And we still don't receive flu vaccines because I don't feel they are necessary. I do believe the individual shots might be innocuous but I think she's getting too many vaccines already to start getting annual vaccines for essentially mild illnesses.

Some parents will say that I was irresponsible for spacing out her shots and some will say I remain irresponsible for not getting her vaccinated against the flu. Or maybe they will say I am naive. That all the evidence shows she was safe to get her first round of shots shortly after birth. That I risked the lives of other kids by delaying her shots or by not getting her vaccinated for the flu. But my intuition told me she couldn't handle it all.

If you're not vaccinating right now the pressure is really on. 

I'm thankful I'm not in your shoes.

Look at the comments section of any vaccine-related news story and you can see how inflamed the debate has gotten and how much hatred there is towards parents who are opting out. They're being accused of risking the lives of compromised children that can't have the vaccines. Of endangering the masses. Of being idiots, hippies or conspiracy nut jobs. That may well be and it's scary.

But the alternative to not letting people decide or shutting them down when they call for more information is a loss of our rights as a society and less accountability from above.

For me, the data on the pro side seems pretty solid. Anyone would agree that your family doctor or the CDC website are your safest bet for up to date information. But I am also willing to concede that facts and figures could have been hidden from the general public, including doctors. 

I also believe that as research advances and we learn new information, how we prevent illnesses will change - it always has in the past. and if that's true there will turn out to be regrets. Links will be found between causes and illnesses that at present we aren't aware of.

On the anti-vax side it is much harder to find credible information. So much of what is out there on why not to vaccinate comes from sources that I am trained to see as unreliable. Doctors and advocates with questionable reputations, websites and media whose motivations are hidden or aren't using credible, unbiased sources. But it paints a picture that all the reasons not to vaccinate are wrong and they aren't. Some have merit and should be investigated further.

There is no denying that for all our modern medicine we have higher rates of diabetes, obesity, autism, allergies and immune disorders. Some or most of that may be attributed to current lifestyle choices for example, obesity and diabetes. Other increased rates might be attributed to toxins introduced through pollution, GMO's or cheap plastic stuff. Increased autism rates are very likely due (at least partially) to a better understanding of the disorder, an increase in the spectrum of sufferers and improved screening measures. 

But could we please not rule out that increasing the amount of vaccinations we are giving our kids could also be playing a role and we just don't know it yet?

I don't believe that the parents who are opting out are frivolously subjecting the rest of us to potentially lethal diseases just because they are flakes. I prefer to believe most of them are like me. Intelligent and well-meaning but skeptical and afraid of making the wrong choice. Attempting to be well-informed but not satisfied with the information available. And sick to death of being lied to by our government.

While I want to see vaccination working for us I see the vilification of anti-vaxxers taking us down a road that I don't want to go. I don't want to see parents making permanent choices for their children based on a fear of punishment. I don't want to see more polarization between the two sides. I don't want to see animosity grow between us on this subject to the point where people are being threatened or hurt. I don't want to see research into alternative medicine, historic practices and more holistic approaches decrease at a time when we should be investing in it further. I don't want to see reputable doctors and scientists not want to go on record or voice concerns about a vaccine or its ingredients for fear of being labeled a wing-nut or losing their careers. I don't want to see medicines pushed on us or our constitutional rights taken away. And I don't want to see less accountability for pharmaceutical companies and our governments.

When you write off all anti-vaxxers as ill-informed idiots you are shutting down the discussion on a very important practice in our society. If we could begin to accept that people who aren't currently vaccinating may have some points that are worth exploring and some questions that deserve better answers we may actually get a lot closer to higher vaccination rates as people begin to trust again. 

Treating them like they already have the plague isn't going to get them on board with vaccination. Hearing their concerns and demanding real answers for everyone just might.

Damn You, Sexy Nurse!

Babe just before her first Halloween. The day of she actually went out dressed as an owl.

Been looking for a Halloween costume for Babe.

I know this has been in the news around Vancouver lately but I'm getting so frustrated that of course I want to weigh in as well.

So,

To pretty much every Halloween store in the Lower Mainland:

Are you fucking kidding me with the options for little girl costumes this year?

Why are the only choices for my three-year-old daughter either a Disney princess or a sexy version of anything else?

When she was smaller I could get her the cute, warm, fluffy costumes from places like Old Navy. But now that she is bigger we have been looking at other ideas. And I am so disappointed.

Why is it that in order for my not even three-year-old daughter to dress up for Halloween she has to look sexy. Why can't we find a regular nurse costume? Why does it need to be Stripper-Nurse? For a fucking toddler.

Babe wanted to be a lady bug. I've been to a bunch of stores. But do you think I could find a regular chubby, round ladybug costume? Nope, not this year. (And I'm kicking myself because I actually do have exactly that in storage and can't find it.)

Every single one was ladybug wings with a short little dress attached. And when Babe's second choice was a cat I thought that would be easy peasy. But nope. Same shit. Every cat costume was cat ears, a tail and a tight-fitting leopard-print number usually reserved for the only clothed scene of a porno movie.

But one isle over, in the boy section - lots of realistic, warm and practical lion and tiger costumes.

I got so sick of seeing the same damn Disney Princess costumes and tight, short-skirted everything else costumes that I finally took her over to the boy section of the store. And I shouldn't have to do that. If she wants to be a doctor there should be an appropriate doctor costume in the girl section.

Because that is the whole point of a uniform isn't it? It's basically the same for everyone. Real firefighters, policemen, doctors and soldiers dress almost exactly the same, regardless of gender.

But not for Halloween. The boys can be regular doctors, the girls are limited to hooker-doctor. Like the only way a woman should perform surgery is if she still manages to look beautiful doing it and remembers to carve out time to perform blow-jobs in the evening.

At the last store we went to, the boy section had; dinosaurs, zoo animals, firemen, policemen, zombies and construction worker costumes. Perfectly age-appropriate and fairly close to realistic for $30. But the whole girl section was pink, sparkly and slutty. And the only costume that wasn't pink and slutty was an offensive First Nations costume...which was brown and slutty. And remember...I'm looking at costumes for THREE to FIVE year old girls.

Even the days of the ever-faithful, big round pumpkin costumes are gone. Or at least they're gone for the girls. The girls get Pretty Candy Corn Princess (which is just marketing for a striped orange miniskirt). Of course, in the boy section - regular fat pumpkin costumes.

And the sick thing is I can't even blame the stores because it's the consumer that's buying this crap. We continually overly sexualize women at younger and younger ages, hold them up to impossible standards of beauty, convince them early on that no matter how hard they work they'll have to look good doing it too and now a little girl can't even trick or treat on Halloween without freezing her buns off in some sick, booty-shorted version of a policeman costume.

And then we turn around and over-protect the same daughters because there's so many perverts out there who sexualize kids. Well, gee...I wonder why?

Over my cold, dead corpse is my daughter dressing up in anything even remotely sexy before high school, and definitely not before she enters kindergarten. For now, she can get something from the boy isle and I'll take another twenty minutes out of my busy day to talk her out of a panic because the costume is for boys and not girls.

And really? Like I said before, why is there even separate boy and girl sections for little kids costumes anyway. A doctor is a doctor, a dinosaur is a dinosaur and a pumpkin is a gourd for crying out loud!

Can't the kids isle just be for kids? Isn't Halloween supposed to be for kids?

It's supposed to be laughter and staying up late and ghost stories and candy - not JELL-O shooters and hooking up in a crotchless Catwoman suit behind your current elementary school.

Babe last year on Halloween in Smithers.

Square One. Again.

I've always found throwing rocks in the water very therapeutic,  I guess it's genetic.
Or maybe it's just fun.

So readers, I'm sure you've been up nights worrying about where we are and what we are doing :P

Full circle. We are back in Vancouver, ironically at almost the exact same time I had originally planned on returning when I set out for the North.

Everything feels new...again.

We moved from the North to North Van. I've never lived on the North Shore before so that's all new.

We are settling into our new apartment. It's all unpacked, save for a couple boxes that I just can't seem to face. Maybe hauling the last of the cardboard to the recycling makes it all real? Maybe it's just laziness.

I'm back to working out excessively and running. It seems to be my go-to when I'm in transition. I stopped for awhile in Smithers. Again, maybe that was just laziness...or perhaps I just finally felt like I had nothing to run from.

Settled.

Either way, I'm not feeling very settled right now.

Babe is happy as a lark for the most part. She loooooves her new school and her new bedroom and seems basically unscathed by the traumatic whirlwind that tore my private little island apart.

Our new place is great, a good place to sit still.

For any single moms out there starting over...or over again; Find Comfort.

I run. I visit old friends. I pvr'd yoga because I can only do it late at night despite having free yoga right here in my building. I paint my nails in front of cheesy movies about women finding themselves. (I know...eye roll)

I've also got this amazing girl who brings her massage table to your place. It works great for a single mom who has already put the kid to bed and is stressed to the max but chained to the house!

I got back on a horse. I've planned a spa day on the island and I'm pumped to model for a photoshoot on Hornby.

And thank God for my probably exhausted but ever-supportive group of friends. They have spent endless hours over the last weeks listening at nauseam to every tiny detail of my current situation. A special shout out goes to E who despite me falling out of contact when busy never fails me when I come crawling back and J2 who has done more to boost me back up in the last few weeks than I could have ever asked for.

Some days I have a lot of anger, some days it's mostly tears and others I seem to pull strength out of somewhere and take steps forward. It's so strange to go from planning a future with someone to a whole new world. New babysitters, new preschool, new apartment, new plans, new friends, new dates.

I did manage to haul Babe to Calgary in the middle of my fog for my grandfather's (Babe's Grandpa, Grandpa's) funeral. Honestly, I don't even remember much of those few days, or the rush to pack and make arrangements down here. But here we are. Getting into a whole new routine.

Sprinkling my grandparent's ashes on the farm.

Flying back to Smithers.

It's still light out enough in the evenings for me to run along the river. There's one point in the trail where I get hit with a sweet smell so strong it feels like I've passed back into spring. I can't figure out what it is but it is intoxicating and it instantly fills me with an appreciation for the little things which I desperately need right now. I've even stopped and searched, nose-first for what it is. I recognize it but I've never had a great recollection for smells and I can't find where it's coming from - but it's so strong and so pure. I can't pin it down and I can't keep it, but I'm so thankful for it while it's here.

There's another point in the loop where I run along a ledge that's less than a foot across. I really like that part. Its occurred to me that it's only a matter of time before I fall and it'll probably really hurt (relax, it's only three or four feet high). It'll be embarrassing too. But every time I do it I get such a sense of satisfaction from it yet at the same time I worry that it's reckless and in hindsight it will seem quite silly when I fall.

But maybe I won't fall. Maybe I'll get faster, maybe I'll find a higher ledge.

I probably will fall though and it'll probably mean a trip to the ER. And I promise I'll post the pics so you can get a giggle out of my foolishness.

But until the fall comes, it's like that sweet smell in the forest...I just can't get enough.

Kinda like love I guess.

The Heart of a Two Year Old.

Well, the novelty of Mommy's sadness has worn off for Babe but I wanted to tell you all briefly about my sweet little girl who came to my aid when she saw her mommy hurting.

I feel terrible for being so depressed in front of her. It's inappropriate and not the kind of mother I want to be, but I guess we all have moments of weakness.

Babe can be a handful for sure. She has a lot of naughty moments and can throw a terrible fit with the best of the two-year-olds. She truly is the little girl with the little curl in the middle of her forehead.

But I have heard on more than one occasion from various caregivers that for her young age she shows remarkable compassion for her peers. Still I have been surprised and touched by her apparent concern for my well being over the past couple weeks. Especially since toddlers aren't known to be especially invested in anyone's happiness but their own.

In the days following my recent break up I could hardly muster the energy to get dressed or leave my bed. Babe and I were alone for the first couple days until my parents arrived (for a coincidentally pre-planned visit) and despite my best efforts to carry on for her, I spent most of that time half-heartedly playing with toys beside her with tears running down my cheeks.

One afternoon, as we were playing on the floor and I was miserably failing at hiding how miserable I was, Babe and I had one of the strongest bonding moments we've had since she stole my life-long teddy bear out of my arms while we slept.

I was sitting on the floor playing with her and doing my best to use my cheerful voice through heaving sobs - as if a normal tone could somehow trick my daughter into not noticing that something was off with Mommy. When all of a sudden she stopped playing and asked me if I was sad. I told her that I was and it was no big deal and gave her a brief explanation at which point, still crying, I expected her to resume our game as if satisfied with knowing 'yup, she's sad.'

But she was intently focused on me, not the toys. Then she told me she would read me a story to make me not be sad anymore.

She ran into her room and came out with her chubby baby arms filled with a sloppy pile of books - dropping them like a trail of breadcrumbs down the hallway as she came to me.

She sat down beside me, chose a book and then proceeded to pretend to read it to me with the pictures facing me like her pre-school teachers would do for the class.

I faked a smile and thanked her but I couldn't stop the crying.

Not discouraged she announced that she would get me some toys and ran back into her bedroom and retrieved some of her most prized possessions.

Again I thanked her and told her that made me happy - still crying.

But I was clearly not OK and instead of becoming frustrated at her failure to make me happy or distracted by the books and toys on the floor, my darling little girl climbed up into the rocking chair that I have comforted her in since the day she was born, turned to me, patted the space beside her little body and said' "It's OK Mommy. Come sit with me and we'll talk about it."

It was the first moment where my heart began to heal a little bit and it was because of a two-year-old. I was so touched by her innocent desire to not see Mommy be sad and her perseverance when her first attempts just weren't good enough to help.

At the same time I felt so terrible for putting her in a place where she had to worry about taking care of her mommy's emotional state.

A few days later it was a friend who suggested I write it down to keep for her for later.

I try not to be one of those my-baby-is-a-genius, braggy parents, but in that moment my two-year-old's capacity for compassion completely overwhelmed me.

I'm so lucky.

And I'm so glad that I have taken the time to recognize her little tragedies, no matter how ridiculous or trivial they seem to adults. Maybe it's just who she is, or maybe trying to understand her feelings even in her fits of toddler-craziness is helping her become a more empathetic child.

The Hike.

Having spent a significant potion of my life at least close to nature I, of course, like most other B.C.er's have developed an affinity for the outdoors.

I've always felt very at home in both the forest and the ocean. Like most little girls I loved almost all animals - the cute ones for sure. And that love stayed with me as I grew into an adult. Maybe less like little girls I later also made the choice to love most insects and tiny creatures as well.

I say it was a choice because liking bugs didn't come naturally to me. I hated them when I was a kid. Spiders especially. My Dad always had to come and rescue me from them. But he'd never kill God's little creatures and I remember he would always take them outside in a cup.

Back then I always secretly thought, 'Why not just kill them. They're gross.' But he never did.

Then as a late-teenager living alone in a cabin in the woods(ish) I was so bombarded by bugs and so exhausted from spending my nights straining my eyes to see the creepies in the dark and spending my days dreading the night that I finally just decided to like them. I reasoned it would be easier to convince myself that bugs were beautiful than it would be to continue listening with my eyes and seeing with my ears in a cold sweat in the dark.

Whatever. What I'm getting at is that I've always been a nature girl. I love being in the trees, being near the trees, sitting quietly and listening to the trees. I love the ocean. I love the salt in my hair and the seaweed against my legs and the pebbles under my toes.

But since moving to Smithers I've realized a flaw of sorts in my nature-loving.

I was graced with growing up in probably one of the only corners of the planet where both the forest and the ocean hosted really almost nothing at all that could hurt you. Not badly anyway.

Really. Where else is that true?

Most of my nature time has been spent on Hornby Island or much less-so, around the Lower Mainland.

So the feeling in my heart that I am so at one with nature, the confidence that I know the surroundings, that I'm at home in Canadian woods, that the ocean and the forest are my cradle is very much a house of cards. An illusion of strength and very flimsy at best.

This has briefly occurred to me over the years. Like the odd summer when a bear or a cougar were rumoured to have swam over to Hornby. Some sheep would go missing or there would be a few sightings and suddenly my walks home late at night with only the moon as a flashlight would be more edgy. I'd stress a little and once even freaked at a deer in the bushes and ran all the way back to my boyfriend's cabin to make him walk me home.

It was in those moments that I'd remind myself how safe the island really was. But of course I'd forget within days of hearing the beast had been trapped and relocated off-island.

So, I've never really had to worry about nature. Oh, there have been bees and jellyfish and spider bites and rashes and prickles. But nothing more.

Even when I trekked into the Amazon, I took my illusion of safety with me. By then I was so used to being comfortable in the outdoors and so disillusioned both by my crazy island-bubble back home where nothing had ever "gotten" me (because there was nothing to get me) and the general sense of immunity that comes with youth that I felt only slightly out of my element in a land that harbours literally thousands of natural killers. I swam with piraña and caiman and trekked through the rainforest with abandon.

But since having a baby I've lost a lot of my guts. I'm more nervous and much more cautious. and I'll let you in on a secret:

I always have been pretty nervous. What most would probably perceive as bravery or possibly stupidity in me when it come to my boldness with nature, is really just me attempting to counteract all the paranoia that I was raised with.

I had a very, very nervous mother and as I've read somewhere, "How you speak to your children will become their inner voice" which I believe is very much the truth. Probably because of my mother I've always had warning bells in the back of my mind. Goose bumps on my flesh and hair standing up on the back of my neck. Those little warning signs that you're supposed to listen to. Well those are genetically entwined in my existence. I have them all the time. Fears. Worries. So in order to ensure that I wasn't controlled by them the way I saw that my mother was, I sort of got into the habit of forging ahead regardless of whether the danger was real or apparent.

I've always had a hard time differentiating between the two. I can never tell if I'm just being overly-cautious or down-right paranoid or if it's actually common sense talking. In my twenties it didn't help that I surrounded myself with people who took the same risks as I did. So even if my voice of reason was so loud that I did take pause before crashing through the woods in the middle of the night, my friends often made me feel like a worry wort.

Now that I have Babe it's become even harder for me to distinguish the legitimate fears from the imagined. I can't seem to find the lines between adventure, common sense, parental concern, parental over-protection and paranoia. I'm trying to figure it out but I'm constantly questioning if I'm being too care-free or too-careful. It's a balance that I can't grasp.

So after moving here and starting to explore it became clear quite quickly that I wasn't as prepared for the woods as I would have liked to think I was. All of a sudden there are black bears and grizzly bears and moose (which apparently are more viscous than they sounds when you type out the word) and cougars and fucking packs of wolves.

And here I am, a single mom. No bring-home-the-bacon-fight-off-the-wolf-pack husband to lead the way and break the cobwebs. It's just us.

So now I'm stuck between desperately wanting some sense of the adventure that I had in my old life and needing to protect my daughter from harm. And again, I can't find a balance. You think it would just be common sense, right? But some people would say going for a half hour hike on a popular trail alone with an infant is totally normal and other people would say it's not a good idea at all. And I don't know who I am!!!!

So, we've been easing in with little adventures. But in keeping with the Nothing Is Ever Easy theme of my life, our little adventures so far have been completely just us. It's summer and I've been expecting other tourists to be out in the same areas as us but so far we've been pretty much alone.

Today I took Babe on what the Internet assured me was an easy, family-friendly, all-ages hike. Now, by family-friendly I suppose they meant it's not very steep. But when I read family-friendly I imagined there would be families there. When we pulled off the road to the parking lot(ish) I was a little concerned that the sign said it was two-hours round-trip, but we were already there by that point and I'm really stubborn.

Despite the promise of rain I really did expect other people to be hiking the area. I guess that's the city girl in me, you can never fucking get away from people...EVER.

So my heart sped up a little when it was clear by the lot that, just like last week, we were the only ones out there. But as I strapped Babe into the ERGO I reasoned others would be along shortly.

OK. So Smithers peeps who read this will probably think I'm insane for being nervous in this area but please remember - I just got here. I don't know this area from the next and I do find A LOT of comfort in the familiar and knowing what is around the next bend. In fact, I was much more comfortable on the way back having already passed everything once and being able to picture the area from the top than I was on the way out. New terrain scares me (nowhere more so than with technology but...)

So for the rest of this post I'm pretty much just going to take you along our hike - in my mind. This is it.

So Babe's on my back and it's like 10:00 in the morning. It's grey and a little misty but there's some blue patches

...and I have this folded note with directions in my pocket because they don't believe in signs up here.

I have snacks - But bears can smell food. I also have my period, so...

But I have bear spray so there's a little sense of safety there. And my cell, so that's good.

We start out through a field and it's really pretty.

Those are most definitely some patches where animals have slept. It reminds me of exploring the fields on my grandpa's farm and my Dad saying, "A moose was here last night".

Maybe it's just cows. The instructions said to keep the gates closed. It's probably just cows...

This grass is long. I can't see very far. Anything could hide in there.

Then the field trail transitions into a forest trail.

OK. So the instructions said a narrow forest trail. We're going the right way.

What was that?!

(I'll save you reading that line five thousand times. Let's just assume for the sake of time-saving that I thought "What was that?!" 5000 times on our hike. Please also note that I spent the entire time that I wasn't scanning the bush for bears, scanning the trail for signs of bears; footprints, broken sticks, trees that had been rubbed raw, poop...anything bear-ish. So basically that's what I was doing the whole way.)

Babe is chattering on my back. Right in my ear. It's hard to hear if anything is sneaking up on us. I wish I had a husband to keep her quiet. That makes no sense. He'd probably just be talking too.

Be quiet. I'm trying to hear danger!

Relax. Just get lost in the beauty of it all...

Seriously. Shut up!

This path is longer than the instructions led me to believe. I should've guessed that when they said it was only three km to the lot from the road. Whoever wrote these instructions had no sense of distance. Or didn't care.

Fuck this path is long.

It's probably not that long. It's the fear that drags it out.

Babe says her legs are getting scratched by branches. Shhhhhhhh! Quiet!

This is scary. I'm only gonna go a bit further and then we can just turn back.

We'll come another day when I have a friend here.

No. By then it'll be snowing and it won't stop until July. We must take advantage of the summer while it lasts.

Shhhh!

Quiet! I'm listening for wolf packs.

(It should also be noted that I turned around to look behind me a lot. And not just casually, but like some crazy gingerbread-house witch just tapped me on the shoulder.)

On My God! That bird just scared the shit out of me! My heart is racing.

Is that a moose print? If it is that's a fucking huge moose.

My Dad would probably like to shoot it.

I wish he was here. He'd confirm if there was a moose with dinner plate-sized hooves in the area.

Funny how he won't kill spiders but he is such an avid hunter.

Is that a bear?

Nope. Just a stump.

This path is soooooo long. Just a bit further and then I'm totally turning back.

Where the hell is that gravel road we are supposed to be coming up on?

Is that a bear bed? Was a bear sleeping there?

God. These trees are closing in on me.

That's definitely a dog print. A hiker with a dog from yesterday? Or a wolf?

Why did someone have to mention wolf packs after the city hall meeting the other night? I didn't even think about fucking PACKS of wolves until someone said it. That fear wasn't even on my radar.

I wish I was Mantracker.

I wish I watched more Mantracker.

I've seen enough Mantracker. I can do this.

Shhhhhh! Stop singing Frere Jacques. The wolves can hear you.

We're gonna die and it's gonna be because I taught this kid how to sing.

Fuck. I remember this National Geographic show...or maybe it was Planet Earth, where the one wolf jumps out and scares the shit out of you. And meanwhile, while you're running for your life, the other ones circle around and come in from the sides and take you down.

Yeah. It was Planet Earth. I think it was a baby gazelle or something.

Dammit! I wish I could tell the difference between a wolf print and a German Shepherd print.

I'm just gonna turn around. This is stupid. I should just turn around. I have a child.

Baaaahhh! Stupid bird! Goddamit! I hate birds! I hate all the birds! What? They can't hear us coming from a mile away. I'm stomping through the woods with a 25 pound mini me singing french children's songs at the top of her lungs...like there's not a care in the world...like she isn't just a beacon for the wolf packs to hone in on and these fucking stupid birds are all startled when we land right on top of them. How are they not extinct yet?

Ooooh! I see a house through the trees. Sweet. OK that's nice. I could make it to that house if I had to. They'd hear us scream.

If there were lots of bears around the people who live there probably would've erected a sign or something. They'd warn people. They might even hear us and call out and say it's not safe.

Fuck. If I see that bird again I'm gonna rip its beak off and use it to pull staples in my office.

Hmmm. Fear makes me cranky.

Talk. Talk to the baby...

Sound happy. This is fun. Yay!

Why did I watch the Blair Witch Project so many times?

Jooooooosssssssshhhh?

OK, at this point I can't run back to that house anymore. They might hear us scream but we wouldn't make it.

If we just sit down here how long would it be until someone came by? Maybe we can wait at the top for someone and then walk back with them. No. That would probably be annoying.

Did a bear break that branch? Did a bear push that tree over. Did a bear kill that frog?

Holy Hell! Is that the road?

Yes! We're finally on the road. This is awesome. There's some more space. I don't feel like something can just leap out anymore. I can see further than three feet.

Being on that path was like being one of those horses at Stanley Park with the blinders on. The ones that pull all the tourists.

OK. This is better.

But the directions said it's still 30 minutes to the lookout.

Great. Babe wants to walk. It's gonna be another hour to the lookout.

OK. So walk!

No. THAT way.

Go.

Go.

GO!

OK. This is kinda fun. It's really pretty. Nice fields.

Wolf or dog prints? Wolf or dog prints?

Dog. Surely it's a dog.

Please walk faster baby. You're dragging out Mommy's fear. Let's just get there and get home!

No. Let her walk. This is supposed to be fun.

Hey! Horse poop. Awesome. That means a horse has been through here. Maybe it scared the bears away. Hopefully it was through here recently. It smells recent. Gross.

Common Babe. Chop, chop. Quick like a bunny.

Common...

This is nice though. Just me and Babe. She's having fun. I'm glad she isn't scared. Look at her. All trusting. She has no idea that I'm putting her in danger. Am I? Am I a bad mom or a good mom? Is this good parenting or bad parenting? Probably good parenting if you're a family and you're all together. Probably bad parenting if you're just a single mom dragging your kid through the woods.

But that's not fair. We don't have a husband/daddy.

But I have bear spray. I'm a good mom.

Urgh! Except I'm out in the woods in an area that I'm not familiar with. And it's just crawling with huge animals out here. And here I am; 5 foot 3 with the flu and a chattering little bundle of blonde, bobbing ten steps behind me who probably reeks of vulnerability and veal-fresh meat.

This. This right here is why people get married. This is the reason.

Shhhh! Quiet. Please. Please. They'll eat us! Don't you get it. There's b-e-a-r-s out here.

No there's not.

Hey! The top! Holy Hell. We made it to the top.

Oh. This is steep. I probably shouldn't be doing this sick. My head feels like it's going to explode.

Who invented going up stuff. Going up stuff is haaaard.

So that's it. Basically that's exactly what was going through my mind on our walk. Honestly. I know because I made an extra effort to remember it. That actually helped keep me calm. Trying to remember my crazy thoughts.

The view was really spectacular. And Babe and I had a little picnic. And a couple other people did come and go. Two on a quad and two on mountain bikes. So on the way back I could see their tracks and I knew they had been through and maybe scared off any creatures.

Actually, when I asked the one bike guy if he had seen any bears he laughed and said no. It kinda sounded like he thought I was paranoid. So I felt a little better like maybe it wasn't likely that there were any around those parts.

And I texted on the way back which took my mind off my fears.

We actually really lucked out because the clouds were coming in fast and I hadn't brought a coat for Babe or myself. And as soon as we got to the truck it started to pour!

What luck.

And just as I was pulling out to drive away...

A black bear! He just meandered across the road and into the woods we had just stumbled through. I don't know if it was luck or a warning. Maybe someone telling me to heed my fears or telling me that everything would be OK. I have no idea.

It did confirm my worries - and calmed them at the same time.

*Update: Last night after this hike I found a list of all the people known to be killed by bears since the late 1800's. Just like a true researcher, I read every one. I doubt that this information will help me at all in the future.