The First Christmas.

Happy holidays everyone!

We had our first Christmas with Babe yesterday. Because she has been so colicky lately (usually fussing from about seven at night until two in the morning) we chose to skip my big family Christmas morning. I was sad to not take our darling daughter to see everyone on Christmas but with her fussy nights the mornings really need to be a quiet resting time for all three of us. I just couldn't justify dragging her out in the cold, sticking her in the car (which she absolutely hates) and subjecting her to a ton of stimulation. Everyone loves her but at six weeks old it's just too much for her to see everyone at one time.

So we stayed home and napped Christmas morning and then headed to my parents for a quiet Christmas dinner and present opening.

Babe got a Fisher Price aquarium toy for her crib which I was so excited about. She loves lights and I knew the combination of the lights, bubbles, water and moving fish would be a sweet little distraction for her since she is just starting to notice toys. She LOVES it! I set it up this morning and she lay in the crib watching it and cooing at it for half an hour. Then she crapped her pants and started to cry. But it was a big hit.

I haven't been a huge Christmas fan since I was a kid so it was really nice to have the holiday be special to me again. I was more excited to see Babe with her gifts than I was about my own. It was great to have Christmas be about making it good for my own child and enjoying her enjoyment. Even though this year she was too little to know what was going on it was nice to see her enjoying the decorations, the tree and her grandparents. I can't wait for next year when she is toddling around and for the years after that when I can share holiday traditions with her such as buying toys for the toy drive, dropping off pet food to the SPCA, baking cookies and walking around looking at Christmas lights.

Grandpa with the ridiculous stocking they got for her.

I also made her first Christmas egg. I started making the eggs last year after learning the craft from my aunt. So I made Babe her "It's a girl" Christmas egg this year. I also made one for my good friend who's daughter just arrived this month. Inside ours is a sleeping baby, a stack of blocks, a little teddy bear and a clothes line with baby clothes hanging from it. My aunt also made an egg for Babe. I love this family tradition of making and giving the Christmas eggs and I hope our daughter will have a big collection just like I do by the time she is an adult.

To see the eggs I made last year check out my Christmas egg post on my Sockrrz blog. Notice I haven't kept up with that one since I found out I was pregnant. Whoops.

My mom always does a beautiful job of decorating for the holidays. Here's a couple more shots of the decorations Babe was the most fond of.

Failing.

I was a better parent before I had a child.

OK that doesn't make sense but in a way it's true. I nannied for years. At my last count I had had a hand in raising over 30 children.

I was a very good nanny. I could juggle multiple kids, usually babies and toddlers, run the errands and keep the house spotless all the while keeping the children engaged in fun activities.

I had the perfect balance of concern and trust. I could spot potential dangers and pitfalls but I avoided them while not inhibiting my little one's freedoms. I encouraged the kids to try new things and explore the world around them and I schlepped them all over the city like a mother duck with her ducklings in tow.

By the end of every shift my kids were well fed, well dressed, well behaved and had had a fun-filled day with just the right balance of kindness and discipline, structure and freedom. And the house was clean.

Today it's past noon and I haven't showered yet. My baby is probably sleeping in a wet diaper right now. Every day I try again to go out and enjoy the day - visit, shop, walk...it always backfires. I'm still trying but I'm dragging a screaming infant along with me and by the time I get home I'm exhausted and cranky - and I've missed my chance to nap.

In the past I would have the kids fed, dressed, out the door and on time to any number of scheduled activities. Now I'm lucky if Baby and I can make it the two blocks to the coffee shop.

I'm also completely paranoid now.

Where once I could calmly and efficiently help a choking toddler I now flail in panic when my daughter coughs on her spit-up.

Where once I was calm and trusting of others I now worry when someone holds her that they won't support her neck or they'll trip and drop her.

I used to consider bumps and bruises a part of an active child's life, but this month I've sought the advice of FIVE health care professionals and a slew of internet sites on the slightest ailments my baby has suffered.

I trained for years to be a mommy. I succeeded every time I tested myself. I reasoned away anxieties and accomplished a lot in my eight hour shifts. But now that I really am a mother I've only managed one blog post in six weeks.

So why was I a better Mommy to other people's babies?

Is the anxiety hormonal? Are mothers hardwired to worry about their babies? I actually thought that I would worry less as a mother because my baby was my own and my mistakes were mine. And was it easier to keep all the balls in the air when I was only a Mommy for eight hours a day?