What are you worth when you don't get paid?

Sorry. I missed all of October. I've had some distractions, not the least of which has been my quest for meaningful employment. I've been looking for a job in journalism since mid-August and my maternity leave ended in mid-October. So for almost a month now I have officially been unemployed and I tell ya - it doesn't feel good.

I was pregnant during my last semester of school and by the time my internship was over I was too obviously pregnant to expect anyone to hire me. It was then that I made the choice to put off starting a career in media and instead go back to working as a nanny. Which I did on a short-term contract to squirrel away enough hours to get my maternity leave.

But now that Babe has celebrated her first birthday (more on that later) it's time for me to go to work. The problem is there doesn't seem to be any work for me to go to. Not in my industry anyway. So as of now I'm still at home with my baby, taking care of her but not "working" at a regular 9-5 job. And because of this lack of employment, a first for me since I was 15, I often find myself questioning my value.

I know that raising children is work. And I know there is great value in it. Being a mother that stays home with her children is certainly of immeasurable worth to the family unit and a child's development. I know I'm making a difference for my baby; that me being with her in these tender years is important. I've heard the people who say, "Motherhood is the most important job there is". But it doesn't feel that way.

For starters there is the lack of a pay cheque. And without an income you immediately lose the yard stick by which we generally measure worth. There's also the lack of peer evaluations, performance reviews, promotions, raises, bonuses...all the workplace milestones that we brag to our friends about and hold up as examples of our success.

And when your friends are earning X amount of money per year and you're bringing in nothing it's hard to find your footing on the playing field. In a world where everything is guided by the almighty dollar what's a stay at home mom worth? When your day consists of diapers and playgrounds how do you retain a sense of personal value?

As important as I know it is to be here for Babe I can't help but feel like I'm not accomplishing anything.

This past year I've found myself placing too much value on how clean my house is or how many errands I can perform in a day. Having a sink void of dirty dishes somehow makes me feel better about myself and that isn't OK. Don't get me wrong, being able to maintain a household with a baby on the loose is no easy feat but it's just not enough for me. I don't want to define myself with such boring accomplishments.

It's definitely my ego that's the problem here. And society is getting into my head too. A person shouldn't be more or less valuable based on their income. The more you make the better you most certainly are not. Yet here I am, feeling crappy about myself because I'm not "working".

Right now I'm not the breadwinner. But I can't be the stay-at-home-mom much longer either. I'm not a trophy wife or a kept woman and I never will be if I keep eating dessert at this rate (seriously). So what am I? And whatever that is, what's it worth?

"I Know There's A Pony In Here Somewhere!"

Just a little update on things here before I go to bed:

Notice the blurry hands. She pets the cats at warp speed.
They hate it.

Let's start on a crappy note, shall we? My kitty (I mentioned she was sick in my last post) was put to sleep last week. I had her for so long and I really miss her. In a last ditch attempt to find out what was wrong with her I shelled out the big bucks for a chest x-ray. Actually the vet took two x-rays but she didn't charge me for the second; either because she felt bad for me or because she realized she's been seeing an awful lot of me this year.

Anyway. The x-rays didn't show anything definitive but they did show some spots on Sprout's lungs which were probably cancer that was spreading from somewhere else.

That day Babe was very squirmy and fussy in her stroller and I wasn't getting the opportunity I wanted to say goodbye to Sprout. So I made an appointment the next day to bring Sprout back in. J. came over to visit Babe giving me the opportunity to take Sprout to the vet alone and say goodbye properly.

We had booked the appointment for the end of the day because the vet said then I wouldn't feel rushed to vacate the room, which was thoughtful of her. But what neither of us considered was the the number of people who would be arriving at closing to pick up their pets who had been staying at the clinic. The noise of everyone talking outside the room and the barking of dogs desperate to be reunited with their people stressed the cat out and made it hard for me to focus on the moment. But in the end I was there for my kitty as she took her last breaths and I felt that the decision was made at the right time.

That same day I retrieved my other cat, Bina, from my parent's house and brought her home. I think she's pissed that she no longer has a yard to play in, but she is getting enough exercise outrunning the baby all day.

What else?? Babe has her second cold. This week a friend and I have been taking our babies to the play centre in the nearby mall because the weather has turned. So surprise, surprise! Now she's sick. It was bound to happen and it's not really a big deal, but there it is. I hate having the snot-nosed kid, everyone thinks you're gross (or is that just what I think when I see snot-nosed kids?).

And despite working out and running almost every day I seem to be heavier than I was in June. WTF? And if one more person says muscle weighs more than fat I'm gonna smack them in the face. My mother who consistently complains about being fat weighs less while holding Babe on the scale than I do by myself. Awesome! I told her I hope she has osteoporosis and that it's her lack of bone density that is making her so much lighter than me. Turns out she's being tested for that next week so it wasn't as funny as I had hoped.

I'm still looking for work. My maternity runs out at the end of the month and I have nothing lined up. I was offered a great job in another province but after careful consideration it just didn't make sense to move that far away right now. It was disappointing to have to turn it down. If I were single I'd have accepted it in a heartbeat. But it wasn't right for Babe and I. It was additionally stressful that the paper called to offer me the job while I was at the vet's office putting the cat to sleep.

Initially I was thinking that I might have to temporarily go on welfare if I can't find a job before my maternity runs out. Just to keep us fed. I mentioned this to a woman at B.C. Housing (I was checking on our application from over a year ago) and among the many depressing things she told me about the welfare application process was her advice that, "As a new single mother you're going to have to get used to the fact that your life is going to be pretty miserable for the next few years". Helpful. Thank-you.

I reminded myself that her office is probably flooded all day with people who are miserable in miserable situations and that she probably only sees people who are beaten down and have given up. But she doesn't know me, she doesn't know my drive, my energy level or how hard I can work to stay in a good place. So I chose to write her off as cranky and inaccurate.

Luckily for me (because I was starting to picture myself working as an escort or at McDonald's) the provincial government now has a lot of good services and programs designed to help parents return to work after being on maternity (if you aren't returning to your previous job). So I've been trying to make the most of that help and I think it will expand my search. And I may even get the opportunity to go back to school for a bit!

So right now it's no job, no income, a dead kitty, a broken family and I'm fat. But despite how hard it's been lately things are slowly falling into place and life is pretty decent. As the blog title says and in reference to this current pile of shit; "I know there's a pony in here somewhere."

In case you are unfamiliar with the phrase, it comes from this joke: "There once were twin boys. One of them was an optimist and the other was a pessimist. The parents, wanting to understand why their children were so different took the boys to a psychiatrist. He devised an experiment to figure it out. The psychiatrist led the first boy into a room filled with toys. But the child burst into tears. The doctor asked why and the child replied, "If I start playing with these toys I'm afraid that I might break one". The psychiatrist noted that this was the pessimistic child. Then the psychiatrist led the second boy into a room filled to the ceiling with horse manure. The boy immediately knelt down and began happily digging through the poop. The doctor asked the child why he was doing that, to which the boy replied, "I know there's a pony in here somewhere!" 

So in happy news, Babe is standing and cruising along furniture now. To help her practice walking we went to the toy store to pick out something she could ride and push. We picked the Playskool Rock n' Roll Rider pictured below. It plays music and motorcycle sounds and it can convert into a walker. Babe loooooves being pushed around the apartment. She especially likes cruising past the mirrors so she can see how badass she is.

Here is a short clip of Babe dancing to the beats while it's still in the box. The quality sucks - blame Blogger, I can't seem to fix it.

And in an attempt to get another area of my life back on track I swallowed my pride and signed up for online dating with a website that asks you a million questions and then matches you with potential mates. Ironically I was immediately "matched up" with my ex. I guess the site actually works. I mean, we were together for two years so we are obviously fairly compatible. Life is funny.

Move Over Kitty.

In August of 2000 while spending the summer working on Hornby Island I adopted the cutest little orange tabby that you ever saw. She was so tiny and so lovable that I carried her around in my little handbag while I worked cleaning campsites. She was the hippie version of the chihuahua in a purse. I named her Sprout. During the day she stayed with me, working and driving around in my car. And at night she cuddled with me in my damp, dark cabin.

She came with a lung infection that gave her a rattling cough. The infection eventually killed all the other kittens from her litter. But Sprout (being the only one who was adopted) got expensive vet care, paid for through the savings of my cleaning job, and she recovered nicely.

I wish I could show you photographs of how cute she was back then but that was during the age of film so I have none on this computer.

Sprout has been a loyal companion for over twelve years now. She was with me through the trials and tribulations of my twenties - probably the most significant period of personal growth I will ever have. Through break-ups and make-ups, depression and elation she was there. She was there when I came home from dates, from work, from long days at the beach.  She was there when I didn't come home at all.

She snuggled with me under the blankets during lonely winter storms and she splayed out on top of the sheets when the summer nights were too hot to cuddle. She spent nights alone on top of the blankets when I stayed out all night and she begrudgingly slept on the couch when insensitive new boyfriends kicked her off the bed in the night.

Sprout was my baby for a long time. And I loved her as much as anyone loves their pet.

But the night I went into labour the cats (I have another named Bina, adopted specifically to keep Sprout company while I was at work) were whisked out of the house by my mom. The plan was for them to stay with my parents just until I got back on my feet. But things were so rough with Babe's colic that the cats stayed away longer than I had planned. Weeks turned into months and I was too tired to feel much guilt about not bringing them home. I wrote about leaving the cats  here before.

Finally I did fetch them. But Babe still wasn't sleeping well and Sprout, now old and finicky, paced the house meowing at all hours. I couldn't handle less sleep and J's grumblings about the noise so off she went, back to stay with my parents.

There was a new baby in the house. And Sprout's needs had all but dropped off my radar.

I felt really bad. I remembered that scene in The Lady and the Tramp when the other dogs warn Lady that her family won't love her as much when the human baby arrives. And sure enough, once the baby is there the previously pampered family dog is tripped over and scolded and left out in the cold. I knew I was betraying Sprout, but I was just so tired and so consumed with Babe. And honestly, the love I had for my cats now paled in comparison to the love I had for Babe.

This last year Sprout has aged a lot. She finally came home again but the meowing and the pacing got worse. I took her to the vet with a Googled diagnosis of hyperthyroidism and the tests confirmed it. They put her on medication and the manic behaviour subsided.

But clearly there is something else wrong with my little kitty. She's rapidly losing weight (a pound in the last month alone). And in the last couple weeks she has all but ceased eating and drinking. The food sits in the bowl all day, growing stale until I replace it with fresh stuff in the hopes that maybe she feels better today. She must be drinking a little but I've seen no sign of it. At night I sometimes hear her struggling to chew a couple dry kibbles, but she won't touch the canned food, chicken, tuna or kitten milk that I've got here for her.

I took her back to the vet the other day and explained my problem. I'm a single mom on employment insurance, with no job to go back to when the support runs out at the end of the month. The cat is already elderly and frail from an injury that almost cost her her life a few years back. As much as I love her I simply can't justify spending hundreds, possibly thousands of dollars on diagnostic tests that will surely reveal a problem too expensive for me to fix.

Logically it makes sense. I have to think of the baby and myself right now. I've been looking for work for over a month already. What if I drop a ton of money on vet bills and then I can't pay the rent?

But I feel like a terrible person. This creature that has obsessively loved me every day, who has been my loyal companion and has literally licked the tears off my cheeks is dying and I won't help her. Through all the friends and lovers who have come and gone she was always there. She never left me. And now in her darkest hour I feel like I'm failing her.

I am trying. I bought her some medication to ease her nausea and stimulate her appetite. I'm eye-dropping water into her mouth and trying to keep the baby from terrorizing her while she is so fragile. But I'm only treating the symptoms, she probably has a tumor or a serious illness. If I had the money maybe she could be fixed. Maybe she could have another few years of good health. But instead I've had to decide she either gets better on her own or she doesn't.

And maybe I'm anthropomorphizing but I feel like she understands the situation. She used to be terrified of the babies I brought home. But she loves Babe and even as sick as she is wants nothing more than to cuddle with us while I'm nursing. She follows me around but stays out of the way. And aside from the pill I have to jam down her throat every night she seems resigned to her daily regimen of medicines.

I'm still hoping she will get better and be our kitty for a few more years. But if she doesn't improve I hope she forgives me for turning so much of my attention away.

Review: Jeep Liberty Stroller.

OK, as promised but way later than anticipated, here is my review of the Jeep Liberty stroller by Kolcraft.

When Babe and I went to D.C. back in June I used my friend's Jeep stroller for most of the week. And by the end of our visit I decided to buy one and fly it home.

The stroller has most of the features that I was looking for in a jogger:
*note: Jeep says this is NOT a jogger

Parent and baby trays.
Locking and swivel front wheel.
Air inflated tires with decent tread.
Reclining seat.
Large storage basket.
Five point harness.

Most importantly I wanted a jogger with both a locking and swivel front wheel. I couldn't handle the idea of having a stationary front wheel because I also wanted to use the stroller for walks, shopping and errands. But I did want the locking option for running or rollerblading (not recommended uses).

At 30 lbs the stroller is rather heavy for a jogger, which is probably why Kolcraft says it's not a jogger. But it works just fine for my light mommy jogs on even ground. There are times when I'm really tired and I wish it was lighter but usually I don't notice the weight difference between it and other joggers.

It is a little on the heavy side when lifting it in and out of the truck but after a long day with the kids what stroller doesn't feel too heavy? And be prepared; it's still pretty big when folded so if you have a small trunk it's not going to fit (the folded dimensions are apx. 20x26x35). The one-handed fold down is great.

The 12" tires are decent. I've had it for over three months now and I haven't had to inflate them once. And when Babe and I were on Hornby Island I used the stroller at Helliwell Provincial Park and it did a decent job on the uneven trails of gravel and roots. I do wish they were a little bigger and the locking mechanism on the front wheel is a little flimsy.

I like the colour combos of the Jeep strollers. Mine is light grey, dark grey and teal blue. My girlfriend has a black and lime green one which is also cool. I think the colours are nicer than some of the other strollers out there which only come in reds or oranges.

I also like the oversized storage basket. It can easily fit our diaper bag and extra toys, a blanket etc...One great feature of the basket is that it extends out under the feet so when Babe drops a toy or kicks off a shoe it (usually) falls right down into the basket. There are also two saddle bags for extra storage. 

It's a small thing but I like that the stroller has reflectors on the sides. Our last stroller didn't and I had to attach bike reflectors to it because we are often walking in the dark, especially in the winter.

The speaker is a fun bonus. It is removable if you are worried about getting it stolen or if you want to take your tunes with you. Of course it's not great quality (we aren't talking Bang and Olufsen here) and it doesn't go very loud but that's probably to protect delicate baby ears and other people from having to hear your music. It's also a little odd that the speaker faces out towards the baby rather then towards you.

I loved that it was compatible with our Graco car seat (see the website for a list of compatible car seats). It made it easy to transport a sleeping Babe from the car to the stroller and vise versa.

And I also like that the baby tray is removable because it is kind of in Babe's line of sight when attached. The steering wheel feature is fun too but is definitely designed for bigger kids. There is no way Babe could play with it comfortably until she is at least a year and a half - probably older. I took it off until then because it's just in the way.

I also like that the front wheel has a foot rest/shield over it - this prevents bigger kids from having their feet hanging down around the turning tire, an oversight on some three-wheeled strollers.

There are some cons to the Jeep Liberty stroller though. The sunshade could be a lot better, it doesn't go forward enough for my liking. But it does have a peek-a-boo window in the top, which is a bonus.

When you fold the stroller the seat has to be in a recline position. This isn't a big deal, just a little annoying because I always forget and then can't get it to close properly.

The seat is roomy and pretty comfortable but the sides have no padding. Unfortunately the side bars are right at Babe's head level. So whenever we go over bumps or the stroller shakes a bit Babe bangs her head on the bars. This has led to tears more times than I can count. I've finally resorted to folding a tea towel over the bars to protect her head until she is taller.

There is also no hand brake which is an important feature of a jogging stroller. This is probably another reason why Kolcraft doesn't advertise this one as a jogger. That missing feature was the one thing that made me hesitate in buying it because I would like to use it for rollerblading in the future but without hand brake I'm a little uncomfortable about using it at higher speeds. 

The stroller definitely isn't high quality. It's mostly plastic and I can tell it won't last forever. But considering my next best choice was a BOB stroller that cost almost $500 the Jeep was a pretty safe bet. At $175 US I could buy a new one when Babe is two and it would still be cheaper than the BOB.

It's also important to note that Kolcraft was excellent in sending replacement parts. Toys R Us sold me an open box with three missing parts and then I had to call the stroller company to get the parts replaced. I was mad that I had to get the parts mailed out instead of replaced at the store but one call to Kolcraft and the parts were in the mail. They arrived at my Canadian address a few days later. Also construction of the stroller was super easy, took only about 15 minutes and I don't think even required any tools. 

The Last of the Summer.

Inside the Little Cabin.

Babe and I are back in town now. We had so much fun on Hornby. I wish we could have stayed longer but we were gone for three weeks and J really wanted to see Babe, so we came back.

I still haven't decided if being alone on vacation with Babe was easier or harder than I had imagined. Definitely not having running water was a total drag. I'm used to it but with a baby who is constantly covered in poop, food or dirt it was worse than I had remembered.

And I had planned to re-sleep train Babe while we were at the cabin...but...

Yup. Once again I have failed at sleep training and given into my little devil. Which is just the absolute worst thing you can do. But in all fairness to me she is really, REALLY stubborn. Last time by night five Babe was sleeping through the night in her crib. This time I made it to night seven and she was still screaming for hours. She's always had the same bedtime routine and she is happy as a clam until she sees that we're heading for her bed. Putting her down in the crib is like lowering a cat into a bathtub. She wraps herself around my arms, digs her nails in and starts screaming.

But now I have decided that I actually like sleeping with her and I don't need to make her spend the whole night in her own bed. I do however, need her to go to sleep in her own bed and stay there for the first few hours so that:

A: I don't have to go to bed when she does.

B: I can leave her with a sitter and have the sitter be able to put her to sleep without crawling into my bed.

So that's what we're working on now.

Babe winning the battle. In bed with Mommy early one morning.

The trip was made a lot easier by having my aunt and uncle right next door. They were able to take Babe off my hands sometimes so that I could get things done. Everything at the cabin is dirty and not baby-proofed so there was literally nowhere to put Babe down. I did have her playpen with us but she'll only stay quiet in that little padded cell for so long. So I had to get used to doing everything with Babe hanging onto my leg. Washing dishes, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry - any chore I had to get done took twice as long with her attached to my body. So it was great when my aunt would hold her for twenty minutes while I showered or went to the bathroom (can't put Babe down in the outhouse either).

My aunt giving Babe a bath in a bucket. Our beautiful beach in the background.

And even as the trip wore on and I got more and more used to it being just the two of us, there was the occasional shitty moment.

One night Babe and I went to a party at a friend's house. It was way past Babe's bedtime and I was prepared for total meltdown. But Babe was an absolute doll the whole time. She crawled all over the house, chasing the children who could easily escape her grubby paws. She danced to the music and flirted with all the grown-ups. We were having a great time and I hadn't yet really noticed that almost everyone else were in pairs. Single pairs, married pairs and pairs with their babies. If I had noticed I guess I hadn't given it enough thought to bother me. But then a woman whom I hadn't seen in a long time came over to congratulate me on my baby. And as she was watching me watching Babe she casually asked, "Are you alone?" She's the sweetest lady and didn't mean anything by it but I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I don't even know why really. On another day with another person asking, the question wouldn't have fazed me. But I guess I had forgotten for a second and was unprepared for the look of concern on her face.

But these moments were few and far between and mostly we had great weather, great fun and made many great memories.

Babe loves music and was thrilled that my friends had so many instruments at their house.

Cymbal, marimba, cymbal, marimba...

She went straight for the drums every time we went over to their house.

In the lagoon. I know she isn't wearing a life jacket. Relax.
We're in two feet of water. Photo and kayak loan by Judith Coleman.

Napping in the hammock.

Again in the hammock.

Photo by Sung Van, a family friend who rents my aunt's
cabin every summer. I love this shot.

Babe with my good friend D on the beach the day before we left.

This summer I finally got to read some books too. From the time Babe was born until last month I haven't been able to finish a newspaper article never mind an entire book. After finishing Two Kisses for Maddy I read The Birth House (which has been sitting on my nightstand since Christmas).

AMAZING book! Loved, loved, loved it. It's happened to me before that I've had a book kicking around for a long time and then when I finally read it I can't believe that I just let it sit there for so long. The Birth House is one of those books. It's the first book by award winning journalist and author Ami McKay. It's about the practice of midwifery on the east coast during the first world war. The main character reluctantly takes over as the single midwife of a small fishing community outside of Halifax. Even as she helps women through the birth of their babies, protects them from their husbands and a solicitous doctor and keeps their secrets safe she is seen as a witch and treated as an outcast. "The Birth House is an unforgettable tale of the struggles women have faced to have control of their own bodies and to keep the best parts of tradition alive in the world of modern medicine," says McKay's website. I haven't enjoyed a book this much since The Help and I found myself hoping someone would make a movie out of this one too. 

On the way home I detoured a little to take Babe to see the goats on the roof at the Coombs Country Market. I think she was a little surprised to see a big animal on top of a building. We were lucky to see them. I've been many times when the goats haven't been on the roof as advertised. We shopped around the market and the surrounding stores and it was a nice break from the drive down Vancouver Island (which Babe spent the first half of screaming while I sang Old MacDonald over and over).

Goat.

Babe watching the goat.

After the market we caught a night ferry back to Tsawwassen and stayed at my parent's place before coming home the next day. I miss Hornby Island already but it's good to be home. How long we get to stay here I'm not sure. I've just started applying for jobs and most of them aren't in the Vancouver area.

Sailing home.

Really? Again? The New Bumbo Recall.

READ HERE: http://www.cbc.ca/news/business/story/2012/08/15/bumbo-baby-seat-recall.html


Urgh! Well it was bound to happen. Once again a few parents who can't think for themselves or take responsibility for their actions are ruining it for the rest of us.

I'm not going to bother ordering the safety strap. And there already is a warning label on the damn thing.

Yes, Babe can get out of it. Yes she did almost hit her head once. But she was sitting on the carpeted floor and it really wasn't a big deal.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/business/story/2012/08/15/bumbo-baby-seat-recall.html

See my old post on the previous Bumbo recalls here.

Life Goes On.

Babe catching some zzz's while I make some
extra cash helping my aunt with her taxes.

Babe and I have always done a lot of stuff just the two of us. But now that I am officially a single mom there’s a finality lurking in the shadows on every outing. Before the separation Babe and I were doing things alone but I knew J was at work, or at home. I knew that he could come if he wanted to and that maybe he would come the next time.

Out for dinner.

But now I know it’s going to be just us on the outings. There’s no chance that it might be three. While it’s a relief to just go ahead and do things without being disappointed when J decides not to join us, it is sad to see all the other families when we go out.

I guess it’s because it’s summer and everyone is on holidays that now we see families wherever we go.

When we eat out we inevitably get seated in the family section where the other tables have two parents sipping their wine and trying to get the baby to take a bite of something.

When we go to the park we see mommies and daddies teaching their toddlers how to ride a bike or fly a kite.

Currently Babe and I are on my beloved Hornby Island for a vacation and the other day I took her to Whaling Station Bay for the first time. Babe had lots of fun crawling all over the sand. She was thrilled to be free to go as far as she cared to in any direction.  We built a sandcastle and dug a hole and played in the tide pools and the waves.

Playing dress-up with Mommy's jewelry.

But while Babe was having a blast I had mixed emotions. Part of me was so excited to be with my baby in the place I love. I’ve daydreamed about this first summer with my baby for so long and to have that dream finally realized is pretty awesome. But of course it was a little bittersweet. Under the other beach umbrellas and sitting on towels were whole families having fun at the beach together. The fathers were building sand castles, swishing their babies through the waves and running back to the cars for forgotten items. It’s funny that just something as little as seeing a man put sunscreen on his wife’s back kinda hurt a little.

And it was probably just me but I felt like people were wondering where my husband was or feeling sorry for me because I had no company and no help with the baby.

But we had a good time anyway. And Babe even had a nap at the beach, which allowed me some grown-up reading time!

I’m currently reading Two Kisses For Maddy by Matt Logelin. I stumbled across his blog while playing on my phone and nursing late one night. It’s been around for a long time now but it was new to me. Logelin writes about raising his baby girl on his own after the sudden death of his wife only hours after the birth. His blog is touching; both heart-breaking and heart-warming. And I figured since I am now finding my footing as a single mother of a (relatively) new baby I could maybe find some solace in his book. And I have. It’s a beautiful story about Logelin’s struggle to overcome his personal grief while raising his new daughter. I highly recommend it if you are still looking for a good beach read.

Anyway, I feel that this vacation will set the tone for how well we can handle the next few months as we transition into a one-parent household and I return to work. So far it hasn’t been easy. Babe is back to sleep training which means she has been crying off an on all night and practically insufferable during the day. And my parents have been visiting Hornby as well so I’ve actually had some help. But they leave tomorrow so here’s hoping I can make it at least another week. We’re really roughin’ it up here. I have no TV or Internet (I have to go to the school just to post this) and Babe and I are living in a one-room cabin with no running water. It’s a lot of work but I’ve waited years to have this time at Hornby with my very own baby!

Life goes on. 

Playing in the ocean while waiting for the ferry.

At the beach.

Sleeping at the beach.

Testing out the new stroller for its intended function - walking around Helliwell.

Maybe.

Cozy pajamas: check
Glass of red wine: check
Tissues: check

Deep breath.

J moved out today. I'm a single mom.

It's been a long time coming. But with the boxes gone and half the closet standing empty it's now official.

I think it's better now than when Babe is older. But it's funny. You'd think a baby wouldn't understand what was happening. But she looked confused while arm fulls of J's things were leaving the apartment today. And after he left she sat on the floor and quietly waved for a couple minutes. My heart broke for her.

I've wanted to write about this situation for awhile but I've had a hard time deciding just how to go about it. I want to be honest and open about everything. For myself and for my readers.

For me, I want this blog to be an accurate record of my life with Babe, not just a picture that I am comfortable showing to others. And for any of you going through the trials of mommyhood, I want this blog to be a source of information, humour, understanding and support. So I feel like I need to be as open as I can.

But at the same time, there is someone else involved here. Someone who doesn't necessarily want to air our dirty laundry. And as angry as I am, I have to make an effort to be respectful.

Here I am faced with the same problem I had when keeping a diary of my pregnancy. Babe may read this one day. And while I want to write down everything that is happening, there are things that she doesn't need to know about. Things that might hurt her. Things that she may not want aired to the world. And I don't want her to think badly of her father because he loves her to bits.

So how do I go forward on this blog?

I'm literally sitting here tapping my fingers on the desk. Well, not now. Now I'm typing. But I was. I. Don't. Know. What. To. Say.

Things have been pretty bad for a long time. Since before I was pregnant. A long time ago we were really in love. But I guess it didn't last. I tried to hang on for too long. Tried to make it work. Tried to make him happy. After awhile I sort of gave up and I just wanted to move away after school finished. But then I got pregnant. And I'm so happy I did. I always wanted to be a mommy.

I wasn't one of those idiots that thought a baby could fix a relationship. I knew things were about to get even more difficult. But still, I hung on. I thought maybe he just needed time to adjust to the idea of parenthood. I thought maybe we can make things good again. Maybe we can be happy again.

There wasn't a lot of support during the pregnancy.

Still I thought, "If I can just limp us along until the birth", then we'll be a family and maybe we can be happy again.

And of course J loves his baby more than anything and was thrilled when she was born. In fact it was him that cried in the delivery room, not me.

But J was in the middle of his last semester at school. And he was really stressed out and irritable. So right from the beginning Babe and I were alone a lot.

I thought, if I just take care of everything until he is done school. Maybe we can be happy again.

But we had Christmas break and the lack of schoolwork didn't seem to relieve the tension. And then school ended and the tension in the house was still there. We still weren't happy.

(I should clarify) I was happy. Exhausted, emotional, scared and overworked. Sometimes stressed and often times lonely. But thrilled to be a mommy and optimistic. When I say we weren't happy, I mean with each other. And really - I mean he wasn't happy with me or, it seemed, with anything.

I did a lot of things alone with Babe. If you go back and re-read this blog you'll see that most of the time it was just the two of us.

J will say it was because of school, or work, or he was sick or too tired. I say the motivation just wasn't there. I had waited so long for my own baby that I was overloaded with things I wanted to do with her in the first year. I really wanted us to do things as a threesome and as the months went by and that never happened I got more and more hurt and more and more resentful. Until I couldn't hide the anger any longer.

And when I reached my limit I was mean about it. I was so angry and I didn't make the home a very nice place for J to be anymore. And I left with Babe every chance I got.

Here is where I have to be especially careful. While I would love nothing more than to drag J through the mud for the rest of this post it is neither helpful nor fair. And I've already had my Jerry Springer moments for this breakup. So I'll just skip ahead.

We have been separated since June 1st but we were still living together while J looked for a new place. I went to D.C. and then to Alberta. J stayed home and worked. And even though we had broken up and were drafting the custody papers I guess there was a little part of me that thought:

Maybe we can still be happy.

You know how even though you know that the relationship is done there is that little part of you that hasn't closed the door all the way. The little voice that says, maybe?

J closed that door.

I asked him to leave.

He's been gone for awhile and today he came and took his things.

My heart is broken. But I think it's more for the breakup of the family than for the removal of J from my life.

And maybe it's my age, maybe I shed so many tears on the relationships of my youth that I have few left to cry. Maybe it's because I have a baby to be strong for. Maybe it's because I got used to the idea of being a single mom over the last few months. But I seem to be powering through this breakup in a way I never did before. I transitioned smoothly from Sinead O'Conner's, "Nothing Compares To You" to Beyonce's, "Irreplacable" in a matter of days and I already have new hair and a re-organized house.

Babe and I are out and about doing things on our own - but then again, we always were. And despite what you may read between these lines, I'm not that angry. Not as angry as I thought I would still be.

It's going to be hard. Really, stinking, shitting, fucking, Goddamn hard. J and I haven't been apart that long and I already find I'm struggling. We weren't getting along but he was still around to hold Babe or take out the garbage. Now I find myself getting frustrated and taking it out on her. Especially because she still doesn't sleep well and I'm just so worn down. I raise my voice more than I want to. I grumble more than I should. And I've said mean things about her daddy in front of her (even though I know she doesn't understand me, that isn't the mom I want to be).

But going it alone is also forcing me to try harder. There's not a lot of room for vanity, ego or selfishness in motherhood and there is less in single motherhood. And I know I can do it better.

It's not the fairy tale I had hoped for. But what ever is? And maybe I do have a little hope that the three of us will find a new way to be happy. But for now "we" is Babe and I.

And we are going to be happy.

No maybes.

The Conservatory.

Just a short post before bed. 

I recently took Babe to one of my favorite Vancouver places to take kids on a rainy day - The Bloedel Conservatory atop Queen Elizabeth Park. It's a great place to go for a walk and pretend to be on an adventure in a tropical rainforest. I used to nanny two toddlers and on rainy days we would walk up there and do a few laps inside. They called it "going to the jungle". It's cheap, educational, warm and pretty. It's small so you can just drop in for a few minutes or walk the same paths over and over - whichever works.

Anyway Babe loves plants and animals and since the Conservatory is filled to the brim with tropical plants and is also home to many birds, I knew she would like it. 

It was actually a sunny day, we just had some time to kill while we were in the neighbourhood. 

Here are a few pics of the trip. Babe was amazed. We even found a small parrot feather on the ground. You probably aren't supposed to take those but it's in Babe's baby album now. Sorry Bloedel staff.

The top of Queen Elizabeth Park.

Bamboo.

More beautiful flowers than I could ever post here.