"I Know There's A Pony In Here Somewhere!"

Just a little update on things here before I go to bed:

Notice the blurry hands. She pets the cats at warp speed.
They hate it.

Let's start on a crappy note, shall we? My kitty (I mentioned she was sick in my last post) was put to sleep last week. I had her for so long and I really miss her. In a last ditch attempt to find out what was wrong with her I shelled out the big bucks for a chest x-ray. Actually the vet took two x-rays but she didn't charge me for the second; either because she felt bad for me or because she realized she's been seeing an awful lot of me this year.

Anyway. The x-rays didn't show anything definitive but they did show some spots on Sprout's lungs which were probably cancer that was spreading from somewhere else.

That day Babe was very squirmy and fussy in her stroller and I wasn't getting the opportunity I wanted to say goodbye to Sprout. So I made an appointment the next day to bring Sprout back in. J. came over to visit Babe giving me the opportunity to take Sprout to the vet alone and say goodbye properly.

We had booked the appointment for the end of the day because the vet said then I wouldn't feel rushed to vacate the room, which was thoughtful of her. But what neither of us considered was the the number of people who would be arriving at closing to pick up their pets who had been staying at the clinic. The noise of everyone talking outside the room and the barking of dogs desperate to be reunited with their people stressed the cat out and made it hard for me to focus on the moment. But in the end I was there for my kitty as she took her last breaths and I felt that the decision was made at the right time.

That same day I retrieved my other cat, Bina, from my parent's house and brought her home. I think she's pissed that she no longer has a yard to play in, but she is getting enough exercise outrunning the baby all day.

What else?? Babe has her second cold. This week a friend and I have been taking our babies to the play centre in the nearby mall because the weather has turned. So surprise, surprise! Now she's sick. It was bound to happen and it's not really a big deal, but there it is. I hate having the snot-nosed kid, everyone thinks you're gross (or is that just what I think when I see snot-nosed kids?).

And despite working out and running almost every day I seem to be heavier than I was in June. WTF? And if one more person says muscle weighs more than fat I'm gonna smack them in the face. My mother who consistently complains about being fat weighs less while holding Babe on the scale than I do by myself. Awesome! I told her I hope she has osteoporosis and that it's her lack of bone density that is making her so much lighter than me. Turns out she's being tested for that next week so it wasn't as funny as I had hoped.

I'm still looking for work. My maternity runs out at the end of the month and I have nothing lined up. I was offered a great job in another province but after careful consideration it just didn't make sense to move that far away right now. It was disappointing to have to turn it down. If I were single I'd have accepted it in a heartbeat. But it wasn't right for Babe and I. It was additionally stressful that the paper called to offer me the job while I was at the vet's office putting the cat to sleep.

Initially I was thinking that I might have to temporarily go on welfare if I can't find a job before my maternity runs out. Just to keep us fed. I mentioned this to a woman at B.C. Housing (I was checking on our application from over a year ago) and among the many depressing things she told me about the welfare application process was her advice that, "As a new single mother you're going to have to get used to the fact that your life is going to be pretty miserable for the next few years". Helpful. Thank-you.

I reminded myself that her office is probably flooded all day with people who are miserable in miserable situations and that she probably only sees people who are beaten down and have given up. But she doesn't know me, she doesn't know my drive, my energy level or how hard I can work to stay in a good place. So I chose to write her off as cranky and inaccurate.

Luckily for me (because I was starting to picture myself working as an escort or at McDonald's) the provincial government now has a lot of good services and programs designed to help parents return to work after being on maternity (if you aren't returning to your previous job). So I've been trying to make the most of that help and I think it will expand my search. And I may even get the opportunity to go back to school for a bit!

So right now it's no job, no income, a dead kitty, a broken family and I'm fat. But despite how hard it's been lately things are slowly falling into place and life is pretty decent. As the blog title says and in reference to this current pile of shit; "I know there's a pony in here somewhere."

In case you are unfamiliar with the phrase, it comes from this joke: "There once were twin boys. One of them was an optimist and the other was a pessimist. The parents, wanting to understand why their children were so different took the boys to a psychiatrist. He devised an experiment to figure it out. The psychiatrist led the first boy into a room filled with toys. But the child burst into tears. The doctor asked why and the child replied, "If I start playing with these toys I'm afraid that I might break one". The psychiatrist noted that this was the pessimistic child. Then the psychiatrist led the second boy into a room filled to the ceiling with horse manure. The boy immediately knelt down and began happily digging through the poop. The doctor asked the child why he was doing that, to which the boy replied, "I know there's a pony in here somewhere!" 

So in happy news, Babe is standing and cruising along furniture now. To help her practice walking we went to the toy store to pick out something she could ride and push. We picked the Playskool Rock n' Roll Rider pictured below. It plays music and motorcycle sounds and it can convert into a walker. Babe loooooves being pushed around the apartment. She especially likes cruising past the mirrors so she can see how badass she is.

Here is a short clip of Babe dancing to the beats while it's still in the box. The quality sucks - blame Blogger, I can't seem to fix it.

And in an attempt to get another area of my life back on track I swallowed my pride and signed up for online dating with a website that asks you a million questions and then matches you with potential mates. Ironically I was immediately "matched up" with my ex. I guess the site actually works. I mean, we were together for two years so we are obviously fairly compatible. Life is funny.

Move Over Kitty.

In August of 2000 while spending the summer working on Hornby Island I adopted the cutest little orange tabby that you ever saw. She was so tiny and so lovable that I carried her around in my little handbag while I worked cleaning campsites. She was the hippie version of the chihuahua in a purse. I named her Sprout. During the day she stayed with me, working and driving around in my car. And at night she cuddled with me in my damp, dark cabin.

She came with a lung infection that gave her a rattling cough. The infection eventually killed all the other kittens from her litter. But Sprout (being the only one who was adopted) got expensive vet care, paid for through the savings of my cleaning job, and she recovered nicely.

I wish I could show you photographs of how cute she was back then but that was during the age of film so I have none on this computer.

Sprout has been a loyal companion for over twelve years now. She was with me through the trials and tribulations of my twenties - probably the most significant period of personal growth I will ever have. Through break-ups and make-ups, depression and elation she was there. She was there when I came home from dates, from work, from long days at the beach.  She was there when I didn't come home at all.

She snuggled with me under the blankets during lonely winter storms and she splayed out on top of the sheets when the summer nights were too hot to cuddle. She spent nights alone on top of the blankets when I stayed out all night and she begrudgingly slept on the couch when insensitive new boyfriends kicked her off the bed in the night.

Sprout was my baby for a long time. And I loved her as much as anyone loves their pet.

But the night I went into labour the cats (I have another named Bina, adopted specifically to keep Sprout company while I was at work) were whisked out of the house by my mom. The plan was for them to stay with my parents just until I got back on my feet. But things were so rough with Babe's colic that the cats stayed away longer than I had planned. Weeks turned into months and I was too tired to feel much guilt about not bringing them home. I wrote about leaving the cats  here before.

Finally I did fetch them. But Babe still wasn't sleeping well and Sprout, now old and finicky, paced the house meowing at all hours. I couldn't handle less sleep and J's grumblings about the noise so off she went, back to stay with my parents.

There was a new baby in the house. And Sprout's needs had all but dropped off my radar.

I felt really bad. I remembered that scene in The Lady and the Tramp when the other dogs warn Lady that her family won't love her as much when the human baby arrives. And sure enough, once the baby is there the previously pampered family dog is tripped over and scolded and left out in the cold. I knew I was betraying Sprout, but I was just so tired and so consumed with Babe. And honestly, the love I had for my cats now paled in comparison to the love I had for Babe.

This last year Sprout has aged a lot. She finally came home again but the meowing and the pacing got worse. I took her to the vet with a Googled diagnosis of hyperthyroidism and the tests confirmed it. They put her on medication and the manic behaviour subsided.

But clearly there is something else wrong with my little kitty. She's rapidly losing weight (a pound in the last month alone). And in the last couple weeks she has all but ceased eating and drinking. The food sits in the bowl all day, growing stale until I replace it with fresh stuff in the hopes that maybe she feels better today. She must be drinking a little but I've seen no sign of it. At night I sometimes hear her struggling to chew a couple dry kibbles, but she won't touch the canned food, chicken, tuna or kitten milk that I've got here for her.

I took her back to the vet the other day and explained my problem. I'm a single mom on employment insurance, with no job to go back to when the support runs out at the end of the month. The cat is already elderly and frail from an injury that almost cost her her life a few years back. As much as I love her I simply can't justify spending hundreds, possibly thousands of dollars on diagnostic tests that will surely reveal a problem too expensive for me to fix.

Logically it makes sense. I have to think of the baby and myself right now. I've been looking for work for over a month already. What if I drop a ton of money on vet bills and then I can't pay the rent?

But I feel like a terrible person. This creature that has obsessively loved me every day, who has been my loyal companion and has literally licked the tears off my cheeks is dying and I won't help her. Through all the friends and lovers who have come and gone she was always there. She never left me. And now in her darkest hour I feel like I'm failing her.

I am trying. I bought her some medication to ease her nausea and stimulate her appetite. I'm eye-dropping water into her mouth and trying to keep the baby from terrorizing her while she is so fragile. But I'm only treating the symptoms, she probably has a tumor or a serious illness. If I had the money maybe she could be fixed. Maybe she could have another few years of good health. But instead I've had to decide she either gets better on her own or she doesn't.

And maybe I'm anthropomorphizing but I feel like she understands the situation. She used to be terrified of the babies I brought home. But she loves Babe and even as sick as she is wants nothing more than to cuddle with us while I'm nursing. She follows me around but stays out of the way. And aside from the pill I have to jam down her throat every night she seems resigned to her daily regimen of medicines.

I'm still hoping she will get better and be our kitty for a few more years. But if she doesn't improve I hope she forgives me for turning so much of my attention away.

Review: Jeep Liberty Stroller.

OK, as promised but way later than anticipated, here is my review of the Jeep Liberty stroller by Kolcraft.

When Babe and I went to D.C. back in June I used my friend's Jeep stroller for most of the week. And by the end of our visit I decided to buy one and fly it home.

The stroller has most of the features that I was looking for in a jogger:
*note: Jeep says this is NOT a jogger

Parent and baby trays.
Locking and swivel front wheel.
Air inflated tires with decent tread.
Reclining seat.
Large storage basket.
Five point harness.

Most importantly I wanted a jogger with both a locking and swivel front wheel. I couldn't handle the idea of having a stationary front wheel because I also wanted to use the stroller for walks, shopping and errands. But I did want the locking option for running or rollerblading (not recommended uses).

At 30 lbs the stroller is rather heavy for a jogger, which is probably why Kolcraft says it's not a jogger. But it works just fine for my light mommy jogs on even ground. There are times when I'm really tired and I wish it was lighter but usually I don't notice the weight difference between it and other joggers.

It is a little on the heavy side when lifting it in and out of the truck but after a long day with the kids what stroller doesn't feel too heavy? And be prepared; it's still pretty big when folded so if you have a small trunk it's not going to fit (the folded dimensions are apx. 20x26x35). The one-handed fold down is great.

The 12" tires are decent. I've had it for over three months now and I haven't had to inflate them once. And when Babe and I were on Hornby Island I used the stroller at Helliwell Provincial Park and it did a decent job on the uneven trails of gravel and roots. I do wish they were a little bigger and the locking mechanism on the front wheel is a little flimsy.

I like the colour combos of the Jeep strollers. Mine is light grey, dark grey and teal blue. My girlfriend has a black and lime green one which is also cool. I think the colours are nicer than some of the other strollers out there which only come in reds or oranges.

I also like the oversized storage basket. It can easily fit our diaper bag and extra toys, a blanket etc...One great feature of the basket is that it extends out under the feet so when Babe drops a toy or kicks off a shoe it (usually) falls right down into the basket. There are also two saddle bags for extra storage. 

It's a small thing but I like that the stroller has reflectors on the sides. Our last stroller didn't and I had to attach bike reflectors to it because we are often walking in the dark, especially in the winter.

The speaker is a fun bonus. It is removable if you are worried about getting it stolen or if you want to take your tunes with you. Of course it's not great quality (we aren't talking Bang and Olufsen here) and it doesn't go very loud but that's probably to protect delicate baby ears and other people from having to hear your music. It's also a little odd that the speaker faces out towards the baby rather then towards you.

I loved that it was compatible with our Graco car seat (see the website for a list of compatible car seats). It made it easy to transport a sleeping Babe from the car to the stroller and vise versa.

And I also like that the baby tray is removable because it is kind of in Babe's line of sight when attached. The steering wheel feature is fun too but is definitely designed for bigger kids. There is no way Babe could play with it comfortably until she is at least a year and a half - probably older. I took it off until then because it's just in the way.

I also like that the front wheel has a foot rest/shield over it - this prevents bigger kids from having their feet hanging down around the turning tire, an oversight on some three-wheeled strollers.

There are some cons to the Jeep Liberty stroller though. The sunshade could be a lot better, it doesn't go forward enough for my liking. But it does have a peek-a-boo window in the top, which is a bonus.

When you fold the stroller the seat has to be in a recline position. This isn't a big deal, just a little annoying because I always forget and then can't get it to close properly.

The seat is roomy and pretty comfortable but the sides have no padding. Unfortunately the side bars are right at Babe's head level. So whenever we go over bumps or the stroller shakes a bit Babe bangs her head on the bars. This has led to tears more times than I can count. I've finally resorted to folding a tea towel over the bars to protect her head until she is taller.

There is also no hand brake which is an important feature of a jogging stroller. This is probably another reason why Kolcraft doesn't advertise this one as a jogger. That missing feature was the one thing that made me hesitate in buying it because I would like to use it for rollerblading in the future but without hand brake I'm a little uncomfortable about using it at higher speeds. 

The stroller definitely isn't high quality. It's mostly plastic and I can tell it won't last forever. But considering my next best choice was a BOB stroller that cost almost $500 the Jeep was a pretty safe bet. At $175 US I could buy a new one when Babe is two and it would still be cheaper than the BOB.

It's also important to note that Kolcraft was excellent in sending replacement parts. Toys R Us sold me an open box with three missing parts and then I had to call the stroller company to get the parts replaced. I was mad that I had to get the parts mailed out instead of replaced at the store but one call to Kolcraft and the parts were in the mail. They arrived at my Canadian address a few days later. Also construction of the stroller was super easy, took only about 15 minutes and I don't think even required any tools.